The Stupid News

Ben Cousins. Just Like Ewe and Me

2008-02-07T10:49:00.000+10:00

Yesterday Anthony Mundine brought ice loving former West Coast Eagles captain Ben Cousins to Redfern.

Along with Canterbury Bulldogs star Sonny Bill Williams and former olympic gold medallist Nova Peris-Kneebone (remember her?) Cousins and Mundine talked about drugs. It was the first time Cousins had spoken publicly about his addiction and the media were salivating.

In a sweltering gymnasium Cousins spoke briefly about his fondness for Drano based stimulants while Mundine looked on like a proud uncle.

He didn't give too much away but I thought the most revealing part of Cousins' confession was when he said "at the end of the day I ran the gauntlet, deep down I don't think I really had a choice....for a lot of people they don't choose to do it, in a lot of ways it chooses them."

Sounds to me like someone might still be struggling with the concept of taking responsibility for your own actions.

Ultimately, and unfortunately given the sorry state of Redfern and the importance of addressing drug abuse, the Mundine/Cousins show was a pointless exercise. What advice could Cousins realistically offer to the downtrodden of Redfern. He doesn't seem to think steering clear of drugs is a realistic option because apparently drugs choose you rather than the other way around and his method of getting clean was to fly to LA and go to a hellishly expensive rehab facility. Now, I could be wrong but I can't see too many Redfern residents having the cash to do that.

In the end all we saw was a prefab opportunity for an overprivileged millionaire to make excuses for his behaviour.

Look, I admire the bloke for getting off drugs. It's probably the most difficult thing he will ever have to do in his life and I applaud him for it. But don't sit there and give me that shit about the addiction choosing you and trying to compare your experience to that of the itinerant population of the Block. It just makes you sound like a dickhead.

What was Mundine thinking getting Cousins in the first place? It's like getting Donald Trump to give a property investment seminar in Somalia.

Make it quick, we're in a hurry

2008-02-06T23:55:00.001+10:00

I'm sure I'm not the only person slightly bemused by Prime Minister Rudd's announcement of a two day forum to discuss long term plans for Australia's future.

The basic plan seems to be to invite 1000 of our best and brightest and pick their brains for policy ideas.

This is the guy who sailed to his election victory with promises of new leadership and new ideas.

Now it seems he's a bit unsure what those new ideas might be so he's phoning in his first lifeline to lend a hand.

Unfortuately it seems the summit has hit a few snags before it even gets started.

First it coincides with the Passover festival so every Jew in the country is pissed off because they can't go. Second it seems the summit also clashes with the first Australian Hindu Conference.

I had a good laugh when I saw that the Sydney Morning Herald is also complaining that Kevvie's summit will clash with the NRL's heritage weekend..... Yeah, all the leaguies are going to be absolutely devoed they won't be able to make it. What fucking difference is it going to make? What, did they have Willie Mason down as the keynote speaker or something? For fuck's sake!

Anyway, the most ridiculous aspect of this whole situation is that they're inviting 1000 people to a two day event. Take away the 10 hours delegates will spend sleeping and eating and the agenda starts to look a little squishy. How the hell are they going to run this thing?

Kevvie: OK, you've got 30 seconds. Impress me.

Delegate: Oh, well, um I was going to discuss possible solutions to the water crisis but I'm not sure I can, um...

Kevvie: 20 seconds...

Bemoaning the State of the Welfare State

2008-02-05T16:33:00.001+10:00

Today I received an email which has been doing the rounds for a year or so. If you can't read the text in the image the basic thrust is that a bloke who operates heavy machinery for a living feels it isn't right that he has to take drug tests whereas people on the dole do not.

Don't know where it comes from but it's a fairlybasic Today Tonight style piece intended to provoke an emotional response whether it be typically conservative outrage at "dole bludgers" or typical lefty social worker anger at a percieved "victimisation of the unemployed."

Working in Government I've had some experience with various unemployed types and it occurred to me that while urine testing the unemployed is hardly a practical or civilised thing to do, perhaps there is a need to better monitor the way in which the long term unemployed spend their unemployment benefits.

Before you shout me down as a fascist, let's cover some basic facts.

1) New Start Allowance (the dole for those of you outside Australia) for a single adult with no children is $429 per fortnight. Not per week. Per fortnight. That should pretty much put the lie to the theory that anyone on the dole is living the life of Larry at the expense of the taxpayer.

2) Between 1999 and 2004 there were 127,000 people who remained unemployed for the duration of that five year period.

Now, no matter what job you have, you are expected to front up for work sober. It is actually becoming more and more common for employers to drug test their employees for everything from pot to ecstasy which is a little too 1984 for my liking but I can see where they're coming from.

Taking into account the money for nothing nature of the dole and considering the increasing prevalence of drug testing in the workplace, if you are receiving unemployment benefits (I'm talking New Start here, not disability pensions or single parent payments), and have been doing so for an extended period of time, perhaps you should have to demonstrate that you are using those unemployment benefits wisely and not spending them on booze, weed or purely recreational pursuits.

Obviously requiring the unemployed to provide a urine sample when they hand in their forms at Centrelink would be demeaning and simply not the done thing in a democracy, but if you have been unemployed for more than 12 months, perhaps you should have to provide receipts demonstrating what you have spent your payment on.

Surely it's not that different to employees having to provide receipts when they take money from petty cash?

As we've already established, New Start allowance is a paltry pittance and yet remarkably it seems sufficient to provide certain people with the necessities of an ongoing holiday, albeit one carried out on a shoestring budget.

Let's err on the side of fantasy and say that you have managed to find a place where you only have to pay $80 a week rent. Unlikely in 2008 but let's be generous.

After paying your rent you have $269 to play with. It's bugger all but if your receipts tell a story something like this;

Caltex: $20

Woolworths: $100

Liquorland: $100

Civic Video: $50

then perhaps you need to be given a not so gentle reminder that you're not supposed to use the dole to spend your days kicking back sinking piss and playing XBOX.

After all, even though you're hardly living some sort of laisez faire dream, you nevertheless are maintaining a fairly unproductive life at the expense of people who are subject to all sorts of restrictions e.g. having to spend their days sober, clothed and engaged in an activity they would probably rather not be doing, that you as an unemployed person are not.

If you are happy to take money drawn from the salary of people who are working, perhaps it's reasonable to suggest you should be willing to demonstrate that you're not taking the piss out of them by spending it on alcoholic beverages and entertainment devices.

What percentage of unemployed people fall into that category? Probably a very small one. But considering between 1999 and 2004 there were 127,000 people who had been unemployed for that full five year period, we're talking about more than seven billion dollars worth of unemployment benefits.

Call me idealistic but seven billion dollars, would build a lot of homeless shelters, air condition a lot of schools, build a few new hospitals or go a long way towards subsidising university fees for professions currently experiencing a shortage.

I know I'm kidding myself and it might be a bit utilitarian but that seems like a much more constructive use of taxpayer funds than propping up people in the unlikely situation of having been unable to find work of any description for five whole years.

The irony is that I'm proud to live in a country that has a well developed welfare system. In my mind it is one of the hallmarks of an advanced and compassionate, first world society. However, I believe a welfare system exists to help those who have fallen on hard times. Not to support the lifestyle of people so lacking in ambition that their goals extend no further than getting mashed and playing video games.

I'm not suggesting the unemployed should have to take the first crappy job that comes along. What I will suggest is that if a rewarding, prestigious job is not forthcoming, perhaps lowering your sights is a necessary evil. After all, any job, no matter how menial is more respectable than no job and even minimum wage is better than trying to scrape by on $429 a fortnight.

I can fully understand the point of view of those who would say that a program such as this would result in increased levels of homelessness and poverty. It's possible, although unlikely in my opinion. Unfortunately the federal government is not a charity and it is not the responsibility of the workers to provide a free ride (even if it's a crappy one in the steerage compartment) to the unpleasant minority to whom any handout is a victory and dignity takes a back seat to lazy opportunism.

Am I being too harsh? Probably. Would it help decrease long term unemployment? Maybe. Maybe not. Would it make me a lot happier about the ATO sending me a bill for extra tax at the end of each year. Absolutely.

The fundamental flaw in my theory rests in the fact that Centrelink is already an incredibly bloated bureaucracy capable of horrendous blunders and the odds of this kind of system being successfully implemented are slim to nil. Still, we can dream eh?

*Disclaimer* I am aware that my theory rests on the assumption that unemployment rates remain low. If the global economy turns to shit and business starts to struggle, then the public purse will be stretched a lot thinner to accommodate the throngs of poor bastards who have found themselves newly unemployed.

I am also aware that the amount of New Start allowance has increased slightly over the past five years making my figures less than 100% accurate. However these incremental changes are insufficient to shift the balance of the argument. So just eat around it alright?

T-Lo or Tony from the Block

2007-01-30T17:09:00.000+10:00

Talented athlete, dim witted publicity whore and all round narcissistic wanker Anthony Mundine is set to release his first music video.

In a move certain to have conservative talkback callers frothing at the mouth, the high profile boxer has released a hip hop filmclip showing the Union Jack and a photograph of Prime Minister John Howard being burned.

The openly political video for Mundine's hip-hop single Platinum Ryder, filmed in the notorious area of Redfern known as The Block, shows indigenous residents tearing up Mr Howard's photograph and tossing it into a barrel of flames. Shortly afterwards, a union jack meets the same fate.

According to news.com.au the burning takes place against the background of Mundine's "rags to riches" rap lyrics.

Mundine is one of those unfortunate souls who has confused the ability to talk a lot, with the ability to actually say something. Let's take a look at a few of the lyrics "the man" has penned;

"I am just one man, it ain't the whole of the nation, politicians won't say sorry for the stolen generation."

"I am from The Block, so I know the program....because of my complexion I was against the odds."

Awwwwsome...

Jesus Christ. I mean, it's bad enough having to watch the arrogant douchebag win boxing matches, now we have to put up with him enacting some pooncey bloody J-Lo inspired Tony from the Block routine too?

Mundine went on to display his keen political instincts by describing John Howard as "a puppet to the bigger brothers, who are England and America" and saying that "we should have a new flag all together." In a further attempt to demonstrate his tight grasp on geopolitical affairs the pugilist asked "why can't we all combine so we can unite for peace?"

Simple solutions from a simple, simple man.

Few things shit me more than some dumb fuckwit using their celebrity to pass comment in public on something they know absolutely fuck all about.

Platinum Ryder is already being played on Sydney FM hip-hop station 961, but will be released to television within the next month with an album to follow by March.

Don't be fooled. This isn't about standing up for aboriginal rights or making a stand for justice. If this brain dead fuckstain wanted to improve the lot of "his people" there are a lot more effective ways of doing it than making a cynical, self aggrandising cash grab by releasing a pre-fab hip hop album.

I swear, every time you start to think this guy might actually be a half decent bloke he comes out and reminds you why you thought he was a prick in the first place.

Champagne Radio

2007-01-29T16:59:00.000+10:00

Madonna King is the woman who presents the Mornings program on ABC Radio in Brisbane. The program styles itself as an agenda setting, hard news and current affairs forum. King has a reputation as being the type of journalist who asks a question then doesn't bother listening to the answer. Many is the time I've heard this insufferable woman ask a question her guest had only seconds ago finished answering.

Today, while interviewing an Islamic Professor from the Griffith University she reached a new level of dim wittedness with the following piece of blinding stupidity...

Professor Mohammad Abdullah: What is interesting is that Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world.

Madonna King: Is that amongst Muslims or non-Muslims?

Idiot.

Look Who's a World Leader Now!

2007-01-12T16:46:00.000+10:00

Over the years the members of the National Press Club in Washington DC have been addressed by their fair share of dignitaries, luminaries and assorted persons of significance.

An average of 70 luncheons each year provide a national forum for the views of Presidents, Prime Ministers, business and cultural leaders, members of the Cabinet and Congress.

It seems a famous Australian has been deemed worthy of being added to the list: Before we reveal who that is shall we take a look at some of the names that have addressed the NPC over the last 100 years or so.

1910 - Theodore Roosevelt - Former President of the United States

1911 - Sarah Bernhardt - Actress & Member of the French Legion of Honour.

1938 - Eleanor Roosevelt - First Lady of the United States & Social Justice Campaigner

1959 - Nikita Khrushchev - Chairman of the Soviet Union

1959 - Dwight Eisenhower - President of the United States

1959 - Fidel Castro - President of Cuba

1960 - Charles de Gaull - President of France

1961 - Adlai Stevenson - US Ambassador to the United Nations

1962 - Martin Luther King Jr. - Civil Rights Campaigner

1968 - Nelson A. Rockefeller - US Vice President, Governor of New York, Philanthropist & Businessman

1975 - Menachem Begin - Israeli Prime Minister

1977 - Henry Kissinger - US Secretary of State

1979 - Billy Graham - Evangelist

1987 - Bill Clinton - Governor of Arkansas. Future President of the United States

1992 - Boutras Boutras-Ghali - United Nations Secretary General

1994 - Nelson Mandela - President of South Africa

1995 - Margaret Thatcher - Former British Prime Minister

1996 - Yasser Arafat - Chairman of the Palestine Liberation Organisation

2000 - Neil Armstrong - Former Astronaut

2001 - Hillary Clinton - Former First Lady. Senator for New York.

2006 - Ted Turner - Media mogul. Founder of CNN.

2007 - Bindi Irwin

Oh yes, the stage which has seen the passage of some of the most influential world leaders and revolutionary thinkers of the last century will next week be graced by Bindi Irwin.

The address will be part of Bindi's "whirlwind" tour of the United States which is designed to promote Australia and launch the eight year old's showbiz career in America.

As well as addressing the National Press Club, Bindi will appear on the Ellen De Generes Show and the Late Show with Dave Letterman. She will also be the guest of honour at a gala dinner in LA to be attended by the likes of Russell Crowe, Naomi Watts and Rupert Murdoch and will give two live performances with The Wiggles.

But don't worry. You can rest assured that the intensive campaign to turn the eight year old into an international superstar is completely her own idea and has nothing at all to do with a sleazy manager finding a new cash cow after his last one got killed by a stingray.

Wow

2007-01-11T16:16:00.000+10:00

On Monday night through a chance encounter on late night television I rediscovered a brilliant Britsh sitcom called Black Books. The following evening on my way home from work, full of happy thoughts about the laughs to come I drove to my local JB Hi-Fi to purchase the box set. After a quick scan of the shelves and a long and irritating conversation with some form of retail programmed supergeek, complete with large, square, brown framed glasses and calculator in his top pocket, I was informed that they had no copies of the program I sought. This is the third time I've gone to this shop looking for something reasonably well known and been told they have none in stock. It's not like I'm looking for Japanese import copies of Frank Zappa albums you useless fucks. Get your shit together.

It was this minor setback that forced me to enter the fiendish rat's maze known as WOW Sight and Sound. Anyone who has ever entered one of these hellish places will understand what I'm about to say.

If there's one thing that annoys me more than just about anything else it's being treated like an idiot. Therefore, I have an extreme hatred of stores that are laid out like Hampton Court fucking Maze in some half baked attempt to make you walk around in circles trying to find what you're looking for. The logic to this, as any oily haired fuckwit with a marketing degree will tell you, is that if you walk past more stuff, you'll be tempted to buy more.

Unfortunately, being possessed of an IQ above 100 this type of thing doesn't really work on me all that well. Do you really think that by making me wander around the whole place with my johnson in my hand looking for the right section then the checkout then the exit you're somehow going to trick me into buying more stuff? What it has done is make me vow that I will never buy anything from these evil and condescending fuckers ever again....If only I thought that meant something. Sigh...

As a postscript to this little tirade I would like to note that while JB Hi-Fi had no copies of Black Books in stock, they did have an extensive selection of DVDs of Blankety Blanks* starring Graham Kennedy. Why would anyone in their right mind be interested in watching 30 year old game shows on DVD?

*
For the uninitiated Blankety Blanks was half arsed game show hosted by Australia's "King" of television: Graham Kennedy. The show was extremely popular with the type of people who would have been disgusted had they known Kennedy was a closet homosexual. It also featured a useless comedian known as Ugly Dave Grey who turned up later in life advertising erectile dysfunction products.

...but some are more equal than others...

2007-01-10T15:19:00.000+10:00

Aboriginal actor David Gulpilil has been found not guilty of carrying an offensive weapon after producing a machete during a heated stand-off in Darwin.

The movie veteran, who starred in Storm Boy and Crocodile Dundee, was arrested in July last year after an incident at a friend's house on Wood Street in the city's centre.
The 2005 NT Australian of the Year was accused of grabbing a machete when an argument started between a group of people over his drinking.

Gulpilil pleaded not guilty to carrying an offensive weapon without a lawful excuse during a brief trial in Darwin Magistrates Court on Monday.

The 54-year-old said the knife was in his bag because he had recently returned to Darwin after three-and-a-half weeks of filming in Kakadu National Park, where he had used the machete to carve and make bush tents.

Magistrate Tanya Fong Lim today dismissed the charge against the star, saying Gulpilil used the machete for cultural reasons.

"The defendant is an artist and a carver. He used the machete to carve didgeridoos, totem poles and strip stringy bark for paintings," she told Darwin Magistrates Court.

"There is also evidence he used it to help him build shelters while out bush, like he had done shortly before arriving in Darwin.

"I accept the defendant's explanation for his possession of the machete."

Hang on a second....what?

Why is possessing the machete the problem here? I admit I'm no legal expert but I would have thought common sense would suggest that the issue here isn't why he had the fucking thing in his bag. It's why he pulled it out and brandished it during an argument. I don't care if someone is wandering around with a machete that they use for carving stashed in a bag. What would make me more than a tad nervous would be if they pulled the thing out and started waving it around while they were pissed and angry.

And what the fuck are cultural reasons? You can not start bending laws to accommodate people's cultural sensibilities. Suppose some brain fried Rasta gets caught with a couple of kgs of weed in his bag. Is he going to be allowed to cite "cultural reasons" as a defence?

No doubt there will be more than a few "rool strayans" out there who will view this as proof that the legal system goes light on aboriginal offenders. They're wrong. This decision has almost nothing to do with race. No, the deciding factor in this case is almost certainly fame. If this was some random aboriginal nobody, he would have been fucked. Gulpilil on the other hand is a high profile actor and artist who is viewed by many as a living, breathing, national treasure.

Yet again, some folk are more equal than others.

Bargain

2007-01-03T17:14:00.000+10:00

A few years ago I was walking through David Jones in the city and saw a pair of jeans that I quite liked the look of. They were kind of pale blue and a bit worn but still kind of OK and not too try hard looking. I picked them up, checked the tag and with an almighty guffaw threw them back on the pile. $350 for a pair of jeans, even if they were cool, was simply outrageous and in my mind, anyone who would pay that much for jeans was a complete dickhead.

Today while procrastinating at work I found a link to an online clothing store that leaves DJ's for dead. Check these out.

That's right. Those of you wishing to achieve the scurvy cabin boy look this summer will be delighted to know that you can pick up a pair of these ridiculous things for a mere £250.00 or roughly $618 AU.

According to the company the jeans "come in a petrol style box, with tow ropes tied around the jeans and a letter!"

This intrigued me because one of the first things I thought upon seeing that picture was that that is exactly the type of garment you often see on fuckups and deadbeats who have been burying their nose in a petrol can. Coincidence? You be the judge.

Like a King

2006-12-14T15:11:00.000+10:00

When Mulrunji Doomadgee died in police custody on Palm Island in 2004 it sparked riots which climaxed with locals burning the police station. I'll give you the hot tip, they're gonna be fucking pissed when they find out about the most recent developments.

For those of you who have no idea what this is about the facts of the case were basically as follows:

- A black dude called Mulrunji was staggering down the street on Palm Island, clearly the worse for drink, bellowing obscenities and generally being a bit of a cunt.

- A white cop called Chris Hurley arrested Mulrunji for public drunkenness, which in an aboriginal community like Palm Island is a bit redundant, but fair enough.

- Mulrunji struggled a bit and punched Sgt Hurley.

- Hurley lost his rag and belted the blue bejeesus out of Mulrunji, striking him several times while he was on the floor.

- Mulrunji got thrown in a cell and left there. A few hours later he was dead.

- Police made no attempt to check Mulrunji's condition after the bashing. Video footage from this time shows Mulrunji writhing on the floor of his cell crying out for help.

- Police only checked on Mulrunji when a second officer noticed Mulrunji had been quiet for some time and suspected that something might be wrong.

- No attempt was made to resuscitate Mulrunji even when it was uncertain whether he was actually dead.

- An autopsy revealed that Mulrunji had suffered four broken ribs, a ruptured spleen and a liver almost split in half.

- A coroner's inquest ruled that the fatal injuries were caused by the bashing from Sgt Hurley.

- The Director of Public Prosecutions today decided not to press charges against Hurley saying it wasn't the bashing but rather a fall that caused the fatal injuries.

What the fuck?

It has been previously reported that Hurley and Mulrunji fell through the doorway of the watchhouse while scuffling but come on, four broken ribs, a ruptured spleen and a liver dangling by a thread...Must have been quite a fall.

Look, I'm even willing to withhold judgement on the liver thing because I doubt oldmate's liver was in match condition in the first place but seriously, those are pretty serious injuries for a bloke who fell through a doorway.

The coroner (who you one might think is something of an authority on such matters) found this guy died as a result of injuries caused by getting the shit kicked out of him. Now the DPP says there isn't enough evidence to charge him with ANYTHING. Not even assault.

Either way, I would not want to be a cop on Palm Island when the locals find out about this. Not for all tea in China.

Actually, come to think of it, those guys will probably have a ball. After all, they now have confirmation that they can kill black guys without fear of prosecution.

Heavy Kevvie, too smart to be Prime Minister?

2006-12-05T15:51:00.000+10:00

So it finally happened. Yesterday Kevin Rudd was elected leader of the Federal Parliamentary Labor Party, replacing likeable no-hoper and long serving fat bastard Kim Beazley. On what can only be described as an absolute cunt of a day for the big man, he not only lost the top job in the ALP but moments later found out his younger brother David had died. Poor bastard probably got a parking ticket too, but I digress.

On talkback radio this afternoon the usual pundits and commentators discussed Rudd's background, including his time as an ambassador and made mention of his fluency in Mandarin Chinese. Also under discussion was Rudd's familiarity with the issues of the day which was contrasted with his perceived lack of personality. All pretty standard boring stuff. They open up the lines to callers and the regular parade of mouth breathers and fuckwits come out to play. One in particular caught my attention. This baby boomer fishwife with a voice like the mum from The Castle declared that she had never liked "Kevin Ruddock" because he seemed like a know it all and a smart aleck...

Whether or not she had actually managed to confuse a man who looks like Harry Potter (Rudd) with a man who looks like Monty Burns (Philip Ruddock), is unclear. That point aside, what this woman represents, is a perfect example of the sort of knob fondling anti-intellectualism embraced by so many in this country. What is it about the proverbial "man in the street" that makes them see the intelligence of another as some sort of personal affront?

This is exactly the type of idiot you see holding court at a BBQ, secure in the the self appointed authority of someone who has spent their life "raising three beautiful children" and who therefore "knows a thing or two".

Look, I'm sure you're a fucking whizz at packing a lunchbox and your knowledge of Playschool is probably second to none but the fact that someone has an education that extended beyond their fifteenth birthday is not a good enough reason to view them with mistrust or suspicion.

Reporter: Excuse me Madam, who will you be voting for as the leader of our nation?

Bint: Not that bloke. He seems too smart.

For fuck's sake.

Orentho loses his mind but shows off his package.

2006-11-17T16:58:00.000+10:00

O.J. Simpson to discuss killings.

Fox plans to broadcast an interview with O.J. Simpson in which the former football star discusses "how he would have committed" the slayings of his ex-wife and her friend, for which he was acquitted, the network said.

The two-part interview, titled "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened," will air Nov. 27 and Nov. 29, the TV network said.

"O.J. Simpson, in his own words, tells for the first time how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes," the network said in a statement.

"In the two-part event, Simpson describes how he would have carried out the murders he has vehemently denied committing for over a decade. "The interview will air days before Simpson's new book, "If I Did It," goes on sale Nov. 30.

The book, published by Regan, "hypothetically describes how the murders would have been committed."

In a video clip on the network's Web site, an off-screen interviewer says to Simpson, "You wrote 'I have never seen so much blood in my life.'""I don't think any two people could be murdered without everybody being covered in blood," Simpson responds.

Simpson, who now lives in Florida, was acquitted in a criminal trial of the 1994 killings of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ronald Goldman. Simpson was later found liable in 1997 in a wrongful death lawsuit filed by the Goldman family.

Messages left with Simpson and his attorney Yale Galanter were not immediately returned.

Has this negro lost his motherfucking mind?

How big are the testicles on this guy? I'm surprised he can even walk down the street without a wheelbarrow for his balls. Speaking of which, I'm not entirely sure OJ will be able to walk anywhere after this without a bevy of bodyguards and a kevlar vest.

Is OJ a murderer? Almost certainly.

Is he possessed of an enormous set of nads and a complete lack of shame? You bet your fucking life he is.

"I didn't do it but if I did this is how I would have????" I mean, fuck!

They Ought to Race Sheep

2006-11-07T16:50:00.000+10:00

I fucking hate the Melbourne Cup for several reasons but first among them is that it turns otherwise decent people into complete fuckwits.

"Oh yeah I like the look of (insert horse name here). His last five starts have been impressive and he always does well on a wet track."

Remove your hand from your wang old son. You didn't see his last five starts. You've just regurgitated what you read in the paper this morning in a piss weak attempt to sound like you know what you're talking about.

The fact that a depressingly large percentage of the population drops everything and goes absolutely apeshit over a fucking horse race really doesn't say much for our collective intelligence.

Horse racing is not sport. It's a bunch of midgets in silk shirts whipping the shit out of animals that have no idea why they're running, while a pack of sheep in human clothing cheer widly despite not having the first fucking clue which brightly clad midget is riding the horse they've put a tenner on.

Go back to the herd morons.

Hmmmm, I guess we'll all have to be a bit more careful.

2006-10-31T07:29:00.000+10:00

Current affairs program Today Tonight has been sprung covertly filming on a P&O cruise for the second time this year.

Freelance journalist Colin Chapman, his two-man crew and an underage girl have been thrown off the Pacific Star in Port Vila, Vanuatu, after the troubled P&O Cruises caught them secretly filming passengers for the Today Tonight program.

Mr Chapman was also involved in covert filming on the Pacific Star for Today Tonight earlier this year.

Today Tonight host Naomi Robson was deported from Indonesia last September after lying on a visa application in order to try to film a story about a six-year-old Papuan boy who they claimed was supposedly about to be killed by a cannibal tribe.

Anyone who works for a TV current affairs program should be locked in a small, brightly lit room for a prolonged period of time and beaten severely with a damp haddock at regular intervals. Mark my words, when the revolution comes, these parasitic bullshit merchants will be first against the wall......For those of you with limited funds, haddock will be provided.

That's My Team.

2006-10-30T10:18:00.000+10:00

Allow me to pose a hypothetical here. Suppose you're a mad supporter of a certain football team. Suppose the coach of that team appeared on TV and said it's fun to tie puppies to your tow bar and drag them along the road. Would you defend him just because he coached your team or would you think "Fuck...I can't believe that psychopath is in charge of my team"?

The man in the photo is named Keysar Trad and he's a dick.

By now everyone will have heard about little tirade last week from Australia's most senior Muslim Cleric Sheik Hilaly in which he suggested that immodestly dressed women are to blame if they are sexually assaulted. In his own words the Sheik said women who dress in revealing clothes are akin to uncovered meat left lying a park which will eventually attract animals. It's an inventive simile without question but the implications behind it are the stuff of medieval nightmare.

Keysar Trad is the big cheese of an organisation known as the Islamic Friendship Association. He has repeatedly insisted that Hilaly's comments were not unreasonable and maintained that Hilaly is a respectable and worthy man and that the flurry of controversy surrounding the comments is a result of misquotation and media conspiracy.

I swear some poison spitting mufti could clamber up into his pulpit and declare that westerners in general and women in particular are evil in the eyes of Allah and should be beaten about the head with claw hammers and left dangling in the sun and Keysar would blame the ensuing outrage on misinterpretation and media bias.

I'm a big believer in free speech and if some random guy came out with those type of comments it wouldn't be such a big deal. The problem here is that Hilaly is a highly respected and senior representative of the Islamic faith and are large number of people hang on this clown's every word. Sure, he still has the right to say those things, but we also have an equal right to declare him a bigoted fuckwit when he does so. Unfortunately, Keysar Trad seems to think Hilaly should be free to say what he wants and nobody should dare criticise him.

You're supposed to be fostering relations between Islamic Australians and the wider community you moron. Defending some Koran humping reprobate when he says things like that is not the way to go about it. Defending the indefensible is neither admirable nor a sign of devotion to your people. It just makes you look like a half baked hardliner with his head in the sand. Jesus Christ, get with the fucking program.

Psycho Dyke

2006-10-25T13:22:00.000+10:00

Convicted drug smuggler Schapelle Corby says in a new book that she blames the
Bali Nine for the severity of her prison sentence and that she once believed the
heroin trafficking group's Renae Lawrence to be "a psychopathic lesbian".

In her forthcoming book, My Story, due to be released in two weeks, Corby says that she “hated” the Bali Nine and thought Renae Lawrence was a “freak”, an extract published in today's The Australian Women's Weekly says.

“I felt sure their (Bali Nine) crime of trafficking heroin had contributed to me getting 20 years,” Corby said.

“I was terrified of Renae Lawrence. I thought she'd pick on me, start fights and ram my head into the cement walls.

“All the girls who had been sharing cells with her had been telling stories about the freak.

“She refused to let anyone else sleep if she was awake. She kicked them in the head, sexually hit on them and punch them.

“By the time she checked in at Kerobokan (prison), I imagined Renae as a psychopathic lesbian - I was scared to death of her.”

I don't know why, I just find this extremely amusing.

Renae Lawrence: Psychopathic lesbian or dim witted munter? Discuss.

Handouts for Hayseeds.

2006-10-24T16:42:00.000+10:00

The Australian Government is extending drought assistance funding to another 44 farming regions. The increase will cost $650 million and will see almost half of all Australia's farmers become eligible for financial assistance.

Let's hear that again. Half of all the farmers in Australia will be eligible for Government handouts due to the ongoing drought...

So, because your business is completely unsustainable it's therefore up to the rest of us to prop you up until it rains. Is that it?

Have none of you ever questioned the intelligence of trying to grow crops on a barren bit of dirt in the middle of the driest continent on earth?

Why should we have to pay millions of dollars so you can live out some delusional bucolic fantasy that will never come true?

How long are we going to keep this up for? Does anyone really believe that if we give it another year or so it's going to magically start raining out west and everything will be OK? Just because we've got some sort of "proud history" of farming in this country doesn't mean we should just stick our heads in the red dirt and pretend that it can and will be that way forever.

Honestly, I'd rather my tax dollars go to some work-shy Playstation addict. At least I wouldn't have to hear him bitching about how tough his life is every time I turn on the TV.

Paris Syndrome? Wrong. You're just a fucking lunatic.

2006-10-23T13:58:00.000+10:00

Around a dozen Japanese tourists a year need psychological treatment after visiting Paris as the reality of unfriendly locals and scruffy streets clashes with their expectations, a newspaper has reported. "

A third of patients get better immediately, a third suffer relapses and the rest have psychoses," Hotel-Dieu hospital psychologist, Yousef Mahmoudia, told the newspaper Journal du Dimanche.

Already this year, Japan's embassy in Paris has had to repatriate at least four visitors - including two women who believed their hotel room was being bugged and there was a plot against them. Previous cases include a man convinced he was the former French King Louis XIV, and a woman who believed she was being attacked with microwaves.

"Fragile travellers can lose their bearings. When the idea they have of the country meets the reality of what they discover it can provoke a crisis," psychologist Herve Benhamou told the paper.

The phenomenon, which the newspaper dubbed "Paris Syndrome", was first
detailed in the psychiatric journal Nervure in 2004.

Bernard Delage of Jeunes Japon, an association that helps Japanese families settle in France, said: "In Japanese shops, the customer is king, whereas here assistants hardly look at them ... People using public transport all look stern, and handbag snatchers increase the ill feeling.

"A Japanese woman, Aimi, told the paper: "For us, Paris is a dream city. All the French are beautiful and elegant ... And then, when they arrive, the Japanese find the French character is the complete opposite of their own."

Hang on a second.....Paris Syndrome? What kind of bollocks is this? Someone who thinks they're Louis XIV or believes they're being attacked with microwaves is not suffering from Paris Syndrome. They're just barking mad.

If some crazed loon is running about, telling people he's a long dead monarch I'll wager it's not just because the waiter at the cafe where he had lunch sneered at his poor pronunciation of courgette.

Similarly, if you believe you're being attacked with microwaves, I have trouble believing it's because there are bag snatchers on the metro.

Paris Syndrome my arse.

Saint Bono the Tightwad

2006-10-18T11:28:00.000+10:00

U2 frontman Bono faced court in Dublin today to give evidence at an appeal launched by the band's former stylist in a bid to keep a Stetson hat she claims the band gave her.

Lola Cassman says she was given the hat and other memorabilia as gifts during U2's Joshua Tree tour in 1987.

But the band successfully sued last year for the recovery of the hat, a pair of metal hooped earrings, a green sweatshirt and a pair of black trousers, which they said she took without permission.

For fuck's sake. You make millions of dollars a year and you're suing someone for pinching a pair of pants and a hat in 1987! What are you doing you idiot? I've seen that hat in the Rattle and Hum video. It makes you look like a homosexual horse whisperer. Let it go man.

Playboy Magazine's Top 10 Worst Ever Chick Flicks

2006-10-17T12:31:00.001+10:00

In 10th place: The Notebook

In 9th place: Sleepless in Seattle

In 8th place: Fried Green Tomatoes

In 7th place: Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood.

In 6th place: Dirty Dancing

In 5th place: The Bridges of Madison County

In 4th place: Bridget Jones's Diary

In 3rd place: Steel Magnolias

In 2nd place: Ghost

and the worst chick flick of all time according to the readers of Playboy Magazine is......

Beaches

What is probably more interesting than a list of bad movies compiled by Playboy readers is that Playboy Magazine is still around at all. Surely ten years after the internet ceased to be a nerd's paradise and became a social revolution the need for dirty magazines is on the wane. Who is still buying these things?

Here's a hint....PUT DOWN THE FORK!!!

2006-10-17T11:54:00.000+10:00

Apparently not content with gorging themselves on triple cheeseburgers, giant slurpees and deep fried peanut butter sandwiches, bovine Americans have begun eating deep friend Coca Cola.

The gooey Coke-battered nuggets topped with cola syrup won the "most creative" title at the Texas state fair in Dallas last month.

"We've been getting calls from everywhere since we introduced it," Elizabeth Martin, a spokeswoman for the North Carolina fair, told the Dallas Morning News.

"Everyone wants to know where they can get it."

You fat bastards are a fucking embarrassment.

The Computer Is Not Always Right.

2006-10-13T14:50:00.000+10:00

An 80-year-old German motorist has obediently followed his navigation system all the way into a huge pile of sand, abrubtly bringing his trip to an end.

The motorist ignored a motorway "closed for construction" sign and crashed his Mercedes into a pile of sand further down the road, police have said.

"The driver was following the orders from his navigation system and even though there was a sufficient number of warnings and barricades, he continued his journey into the construction site," a police spokeswoman has said.

"His trip finally ended when he wound up crashing into a pile of sand," she added.

The driver and his wife escaped uninjured from the collision, which occurred on a motorway near Hamburg.

Backbench Squarepants

2006-10-12T15:51:00.000+10:00

The Queensland Government is fending off claims that Qld Parliament doesn't sit frequently enough. It has been revealed that this year Qld MPs will sit for a grand total of just 36 days.

That's right friends. Your elected representatives will spend less than one day a week in Parliament over the coming year.

So if you're not a minister and you don't have a portfolio to attend to, exactly what do you do for the rest of the year? Go to school fetes and the odd community fundraiser? Sit in your electorate office and masturbate like a demented chimpanzee? Seriously, I can not imagine what these people actually do with all the free time they must have.

Keep in mind also, that the extent of a backbencher's contribution to parliamentary proceedings is generally limited to sitting on his or her arse and obediantly repeating "hear hear" whenever a higher ranked colleague finishes a sentence.

We pay these people more than $100,000 a year...

Sell out Complete.

2006-10-11T17:21:00.000+10:00

Serial fuckwit Sean "Diddy" Combs has found another corporate cock to suck and teamed up with Burger King and You Tube to launch "Diddy TV."

This isn't a piss take. It's actually happening.

What, you don't already have enough money you fucking crackhead? Advertising zit cream wasn't low enough for you to go? You've got to sell junk food to a bunch of fat Americans too?

Jesus Camp

2006-10-10T01:05:00.001+10:00

Kids believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and pots of gold at the end of rainbows. What chance do these poor little bastards have?