The Stupid News

Ben Cousins. Just Like Ewe and Me

2008-02-07T10:49:00.000+10:00

Yesterday Anthony Mundine brought ice loving former West Coast Eagles captain Ben Cousins to Redfern.

Along with Canterbury Bulldogs star Sonny Bill Williams and former olympic gold medallist Nova Peris-Kneebone (remember her?) Cousins and Mundine talked about drugs. It was the first time Cousins had spoken publicly about his addiction and the media were salivating.

In a sweltering gymnasium Cousins spoke briefly about his fondness for Drano based stimulants while Mundine looked on like a proud uncle.

He didn't give too much away but I thought the most revealing part of Cousins' confession was when he said "at the end of the day I ran the gauntlet, deep down I don't think I really had a choice....for a lot of people they don't choose to do it, in a lot of ways it chooses them."

Sounds to me like someone might still be struggling with the concept of taking responsibility for your own actions.

Ultimately, and unfortunately given the sorry state of Redfern and the importance of addressing drug abuse, the Mundine/Cousins show was a pointless exercise. What advice could Cousins realistically offer to the downtrodden of Redfern. He doesn't seem to think steering clear of drugs is a realistic option because apparently drugs choose you rather than the other way around and his method of getting clean was to fly to LA and go to a hellishly expensive rehab facility. Now, I could be wrong but I can't see too many Redfern residents having the cash to do that.

In the end all we saw was a prefab opportunity for an overprivileged millionaire to make excuses for his behaviour.

Look, I admire the bloke for getting off drugs. It's probably the most difficult thing he will ever have to do in his life and I applaud him for it. But don't sit there and give me that shit about the addiction choosing you and trying to compare your experience to that of the itinerant population of the Block. It just makes you sound like a dickhead.

What was Mundine thinking getting Cousins in the first place? It's like getting Donald Trump to give a property investment seminar in Somalia.

Make it quick, we're in a hurry

2008-02-06T23:55:00.001+10:00

I'm sure I'm not the only person slightly bemused by Prime Minister Rudd's announcement of a two day forum to discuss long term plans for Australia's future.

The basic plan seems to be to invite 1000 of our best and brightest and pick their brains for policy ideas.

This is the guy who sailed to his election victory with promises of new leadership and new ideas.

Now it seems he's a bit unsure what those new ideas might be so he's phoning in his first lifeline to lend a hand.

Unfortuately it seems the summit has hit a few snags before it even gets started.

First it coincides with the Passover festival so every Jew in the country is pissed off because they can't go. Second it seems the summit also clashes with the first Australian Hindu Conference.

I had a good laugh when I saw that the Sydney Morning Herald is also complaining that Kevvie's summit will clash with the NRL's heritage weekend..... Yeah, all the leaguies are going to be absolutely devoed they won't be able to make it. What fucking difference is it going to make? What, did they have Willie Mason down as the keynote speaker or something? For fuck's sake!

Anyway, the most ridiculous aspect of this whole situation is that they're inviting 1000 people to a two day event. Take away the 10 hours delegates will spend sleeping and eating and the agenda starts to look a little squishy. How the hell are they going to run this thing?

Kevvie: OK, you've got 30 seconds. Impress me.

Delegate: Oh, well, um I was going to discuss possible solutions to the water crisis but I'm not sure I can, um...

Kevvie: 20 seconds...

Bemoaning the State of the Welfare State

2008-02-05T16:33:00.001+10:00

Today I received an email which has been doing the rounds for a year or so. If you can't read the text in the image the basic thrust is that a bloke who operates heavy machinery for a living feels it isn't right that he has to take drug tests whereas people on the dole do not.

Don't know where it comes from but it's a fairlybasic Today Tonight style piece intended to provoke an emotional response whether it be typically conservative outrage at "dole bludgers" or typical lefty social worker anger at a percieved "victimisation of the unemployed."

Working in Government I've had some experience with various unemployed types and it occurred to me that while urine testing the unemployed is hardly a practical or civilised thing to do, perhaps there is a need to better monitor the way in which the long term unemployed spend their unemployment benefits.

Before you shout me down as a fascist, let's cover some basic facts.

1) New Start Allowance (the dole for those of you outside Australia) for a single adult with no children is $429 per fortnight. Not per week. Per fortnight. That should pretty much put the lie to the theory that anyone on the dole is living the life of Larry at the expense of the taxpayer.

2) Between 1999 and 2004 there were 127,000 people who remained unemployed for the duration of that five year period.

Now, no matter what job you have, you are expected to front up for work sober. It is actually becoming more and more common for employers to drug test their employees for everything from pot to ecstasy which is a little too 1984 for my liking but I can see where they're coming from.

Taking into account the money for nothing nature of the dole and considering the increasing prevalence of drug testing in the workplace, if you are receiving unemployment benefits (I'm talking New Start here, not disability pensions or single parent payments), and have been doing so for an extended period of time, perhaps you should have to demonstrate that you are using those unemployment benefits wisely and not spending them on booze, weed or purely recreational pursuits.

Obviously requiring the unemployed to provide a urine sample when they hand in their forms at Centrelink would be demeaning and simply not the done thing in a democracy, but if you have been unemployed for more than 12 months, perhaps you should have to provide receipts demonstrating what you have spent your payment on.

Surely it's not that different to employees having to provide receipts when they take money from petty cash?

As we've already established, New Start allowance is a paltry pittance and yet remarkably it seems sufficient to provide certain people with the necessities of an ongoing holiday, albeit one carried out on a shoestring budget.

Let's err on the side of fantasy and say that you have managed to find a place where you only have to pay $80 a week rent. Unlikely in 2008 but let's be generous.

After paying your rent you have $269 to play with. It's bugger all but if your receipts tell a story something like this;

Caltex: $20

Woolworths: $100

Liquorland: $100

Civic Video: $50

then perhaps you need to be given a not so gentle reminder that you're not supposed to use the dole to spend your days kicking back sinking piss and playing XBOX.

After all, even though you're hardly living some sort of laisez faire dream, you nevertheless are maintaining a fairly unproductive life at the expense of people who are subject to all sorts of restrictions e.g. having to spend their days sober, clothed and engaged in an activity they would probably rather not be doing, that you as an unemployed person are not.

If you are happy to take money drawn from the salary of people who are working, perhaps it's reasonable to suggest you should be willing to demonstrate that you're not taking the piss out of them by spending it on alcoholic beverages and entertainment devices.

What percentage of unemployed people fall into that category? Probably a very small one. But considering between 1999 and 2004 there were 127,000 people who had been unemployed for that full five year period, we're talking about more than seven billion dollars worth of unemployment benefits.

Call me idealistic but seven billion dollars, would build a lot of homeless shelters, air condition a lot of schools, build a few new hospitals or go a long way towards subsidising university fees for professions currently experiencing a shortage.

I know I'm kidding myself and it might be a bit utilitarian but that seems like a much more constructive use of taxpayer funds than propping up people in the unlikely situation of having been unable to find work of any description for five whole years.

The irony is that I'm proud to live in a country that has a well developed welfare system. In my mind it is one of the hallmarks of an advanced and compassionate, first world society. However, I believe a welfare system exists to help those who have fallen on hard times. Not to support the lifestyle of people so lacking in ambition that their goals extend no further than getting mashed and playing video games.

I'm not suggesting the unemployed should have to take the first crappy job that comes along. What I will suggest is that if a rewarding, prestigious job is not forthcoming, perhaps lowering your sights is a necessary evil. After all, any job, no matter how menial is more respectable than no job and even minimum wage is better than trying to scrape by on $429 a fortnight.

I can fully understand the point of view of those who would say that a program such as this would result in increased levels of homelessness and poverty. It's possible, although unlikely in my opinion. Unfortunately the federal government is not a charity and it is not the responsibility of the workers to provide a free ride (even if it's a crappy one in the steerage compartment) to the unpleasant minority to whom any handout is a victory and dignity takes a back seat to lazy opportunism.

Am I being too harsh? Probably. Would it help decrease long term unemployment? Maybe. Maybe not. Would it make me a lot happier about the ATO sending me a bill for extra tax at the end of each year. Absolutely.

The fundamental flaw in my theory rests in the fact that Centrelink is already an incredibly bloated bureaucracy capable of horrendous blunders and the odds of this kind of system being successfully implemented are slim to nil. Still, we can dream eh?

*Disclaimer* I am aware that my theory rests on the assumption that unemployment rates remain low. If the global economy turns to shit and business starts to struggle, then the public purse will be stretched a lot thinner to accommodate the throngs of poor bastards who have found themselves newly unemployed.

I am also aware that the amount of New Start allowance has increased slightly over the past five years making my figures less than 100% accurate. However these incremental changes are insufficient to shift the balance of the argument. So just eat around it alright?

T-Lo or Tony from the Block

2007-01-30T17:09:00.000+10:00

Talented athlete, dim witted publicity whore and all round narcissistic wanker Anthony Mundine is set to release his first music video.

In a move certain to have conservative talkback callers frothing at the mouth, the high profile boxer has released a hip hop filmclip showing the Union Jack and a photograph of Prime Minister John Howard being burned.

The openly political video for Mundine's hip-hop single Platinum Ryder, filmed in the notorious area of Redfern known as The Block, shows indigenous residents tearing up Mr Howard's photograph and tossing it into a barrel of flames. Shortly afterwards, a union jack meets the same fate.

According to news.com.au the burning takes place against the background of Mundine's "rags to riches" rap lyrics.

Mundine is one of those unfortunate souls who has confused the ability to talk a lot, with the ability to actually say something. Let's take a look at a few of the lyrics "the man" has penned;

"I am just one man, it ain't the whole of the nation, politicians won't say sorry for the stolen generation."

"I am from The Block, so I know the program....because of my complexion I was against the odds."

Awwwwsome...

Jesus Christ. I mean, it's bad enough having to watch the arrogant douchebag win boxing matches, now we have to put up with him enacting some pooncey bloody J-Lo inspired Tony from the Block routine too?

Mundine went on to display his keen political instincts by describing John Howard as "a puppet to the bigger brothers, who are England and America" and saying that "we should have a new flag all together." In a further attempt to demonstrate his tight grasp on geopolitical affairs the pugilist asked "why can't we all combine so we can unite for peace?"

Simple solutions from a simple, simple man.

Few things shit me more than some dumb fuckwit using their celebrity to pass comment in public on something they know absolutely fuck all about.

Platinum Ryder is already being played on Sydney FM hip-hop station 961, but will be released to television within the next month with an album to follow by March.

Don't be fooled. This isn't about standing up for aboriginal rights or making a stand for justice. If this brain dead fuckstain wanted to improve the lot of "his people" there are a lot more effective ways of doing it than making a cynical, self aggrandising cash grab by releasing a pre-fab hip hop album.

I swear, every time you start to think this guy might actually be a half decent bloke he comes out and reminds you why you thought he was a prick in the first place.

Champagne Radio

2007-01-29T16:59:00.000+10:00

Madonna King is the woman who presents the Mornings program on ABC Radio in Brisbane. The program styles itself as an agenda setting, hard news and current affairs forum. King has a reputation as being the type of journalist who asks a question then doesn't bother listening to the answer. Many is the time I've heard this insufferable woman ask a question her guest had only seconds ago finished answering.

Today, while interviewing an Islamic Professor from the Griffith University she reached a new level of dim wittedness with the following piece of blinding stupidity...

Professor Mohammad Abdullah: What is interesting is that Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world.

Madonna King: Is that amongst Muslims or non-Muslims?

Idiot.

Look Who's a World Leader Now!

2007-01-12T16:46:00.000+10:00

Over the years the members of the National Press Club in Washington DC have been addressed by their fair share of dignitaries, luminaries and assorted persons of significance.

An average of 70 luncheons each year provide a national forum for the views of Presidents, Prime Ministers, business and cultural leaders, members of the Cabinet and Congress.

It seems a famous Australian has been deemed worthy of being added to the list: Before we reveal who that is shall we take a look at some of the names that have addressed the NPC over the last 100 years or so.

1910 - Theodore Roosevelt - Former President of the United States

1911 - Sarah Bernhardt - Actress & Member of the French Legion of Honour.

1938 - Eleanor Roosevelt - First Lady of the United States & Social Justice Campaigner

1959 - Nikita Khrushchev - Chairman of the Soviet Union

1959 - Dwight Eisenhower - President of the United States

1959 - Fidel Castro - President of Cuba

1960 - Charles de Gaull - President of France

1961 - Adlai Stevenson - US Ambassador to the United Nations

1962 - Martin Luther King Jr. - Civil Rights Campaigner

1968 - Nelson A. Rockefeller - US Vice President, Governor of New York, Philanthropist & Businessman

1975 - Menachem Begin - Israeli Prime Minister

1977 - Henry Kissinger - US Secretary of State

1979 - Billy Graham - Evangelist

1987 - Bill Clinton - Governor of Arkansas. Future President of the United States

1992 - Boutras Boutras-Ghali - United Nations Secretary General

1994 - Nelson Mandela - President of South Africa

1995 - Margaret Thatcher - Former British Prime Minister

1996 - Yasser Arafat - Chairman of the Palestine Liberation Organisation

2000 - Neil Armstrong - Former Astronaut

2001 - Hillary Clinton - Former First Lady. Senator for New York.

2006 - Ted Turner - Media mogul. Founder of CNN.

2007 - Bindi Irwin

Oh yes, the stage which has seen the passage of some of the most influential world leaders and revolutionary thinkers of the last century will next week be graced by Bindi Irwin.

The address will be part of Bindi's "whirlwind" tour of the United States which is designed to promote Australia and launch the eight year old's showbiz career in America.

As well as addressing the National Press Club, Bindi will appear on the Ellen De Generes Show and the Late Show with Dave Letterman. She will also be the guest of honour at a gala dinner in LA to be attended by the likes of Russell Crowe, Naomi Watts and Rupert Murdoch and will give two live performances with The Wiggles.

But don't worry. You can rest assured that the intensive campaign to turn the eight year old into an international superstar is completely her own idea and has nothing at all to do with a sleazy manager finding a new cash cow after his last one got killed by a stingray.

Wow

2007-01-11T16:16:00.000+10:00

On Monday night through a chance encounter on late night television I rediscovered a brilliant Britsh sitcom called Black Books. The following evening on my way home from work, full of happy thoughts about the laughs to come I drove to my local JB Hi-Fi to purchase the box set. After a quick scan of the shelves and a long and irritating conversation with some form of retail programmed supergeek, complete with large, square, brown framed glasses and calculator in his top pocket, I was informed that they had no copies of the program I sought. This is the third time I've gone to this shop looking for something reasonably well known and been told they have none in stock. It's not like I'm looking for Japanese import copies of Frank Zappa albums you useless fucks. Get your shit together.

It was this minor setback that forced me to enter the fiendish rat's maze known as WOW Sight and Sound. Anyone who has ever entered one of these hellish places will understand what I'm about to say.

If there's one thing that annoys me more than just about anything else it's being treated like an idiot. Therefore, I have an extreme hatred of stores that are laid out like Hampton Court fucking Maze in some half baked attempt to make you walk around in circles trying to find what you're looking for. The logic to this, as any oily haired fuckwit with a marketing degree will tell you, is that if you walk past more stuff, you'll be tempted to buy more.

Unfortunately, being possessed of an IQ above 100 this type of thing doesn't really work on me all that well. Do you really think that by making me wander around the whole place with my johnson in my hand looking for the right section then the checkout then the exit you're somehow going to trick me into buying more stuff? What it has done is make me vow that I will never buy anything from these evil and condescending fuckers ever again....If only I thought that meant something. Sigh...

As a postscript to this little tirade I would like to note that while JB Hi-Fi had no copies of Black Books in stock, they did have an extensive selection of DVDs of Blankety Blanks* starring Graham Kennedy. Why would anyone in their right mind be interested in watching 30 year old game shows on DVD?

*
For the uninitiated Blankety Blanks was half arsed game show hosted by Australia's "King" of television: Graham Kennedy. The show was extremely popular with the type of people who would have been disgusted had they known Kennedy was a closet homosexual. It also featured a useless comedian known as Ugly Dave Grey who turned up later in life advertising erectile dysfunction products.

...but some are more equal than others...

2007-01-10T15:19:00.000+10:00

Aboriginal actor David Gulpilil has been found not guilty of carrying an offensive weapon after producing a machete during a heated stand-off in Darwin.

The movie veteran, who starred in Storm Boy and Crocodile Dundee, was arrested in July last year after an incident at a friend's house on Wood Street in the city's centre.
The 2005 NT Australian of the Year was accused of grabbing a machete when an argument started between a group of people over his drinking.

Gulpilil pleaded not guilty to carrying an offensive weapon without a lawful excuse during a brief trial in Darwin Magistrates Court on Monday.

The 54-year-old said the knife was in his bag because he had recently returned to Darwin after three-and-a-half weeks of filming in Kakadu National Park, where he had used the machete to carve and make bush tents.

Magistrate Tanya Fong Lim today dismissed the charge against the star, saying Gulpilil used the machete for cultural reasons.

"The defendant is an artist and a carver. He used the machete to carve didgeridoos, totem poles and strip stringy bark for paintings," she told Darwin Magistrates Court.

"There is also evidence he used it to help him build shelters while out bush, like he had done shortly before arriving in Darwin.

"I accept the defendant's explanation for his possession of the machete."

Hang on a second....what?

Why is possessing the machete the problem here? I admit I'm no legal expert but I would have thought common sense would suggest that the issue here isn't why he had the fucking thing in his bag. It's why he pulled it out and brandished it during an argument. I don't care if someone is wandering around with a machete that they use for carving stashed in a bag. What would make me more than a tad nervous would be if they pulled the thing out and started waving it around while they were pissed and angry.

And what the fuck are cultural reasons? You can not start bending laws to accommodate people's cultural sensibilities. Suppose some brain fried Rasta gets caught with a couple of kgs of weed in his bag. Is he going to be allowed to cite "cultural reasons" as a defence?

No doubt there will be more than a few "rool strayans" out there who will view this as proof that the legal system goes light on aboriginal offenders. They're wrong. This decision has almost nothing to do with race. No, the deciding factor in this case is almost certainly fame. If this was some random aboriginal nobody, he would have been fucked. Gulpilil on the other hand is a high profile actor and artist who is viewed by many as a living, breathing, national treasure.

Yet again, some folk are more equal than others.

Bargain

2007-01-03T17:14:00.000+10:00

A few years ago I was walking through David Jones in the city and saw a pair of jeans that I quite liked the look of. They were kind of pale blue and a bit worn but still kind of OK and not too try hard looking. I picked them up, checked the tag and with an almighty guffaw threw them back on the pile. $350 for a pair of jeans, even if they were cool, was simply outrageous and in my mind, anyone who would pay that much for jeans was a complete dickhead.

Today while procrastinating at work I found a link to an online clothing store that leaves DJ's for dead. Check these out.

That's right. Those of you wishing to achieve the scurvy cabin boy look this summer will be delighted to know that you can pick up a pair of these ridiculous things for a mere £250.00 or roughly $618 AU.

According to the company the jeans "come in a petrol style box, with tow ropes tied around the jeans and a letter!"

This intrigued me because one of the first things I thought upon seeing that picture was that that is exactly the type of garment you often see on fuckups and deadbeats who have been burying their nose in a petrol can. Coincidence? You be the judge.

Like a King

2006-12-14T15:11:00.000+10:00

When Mulrunji Doomadgee died in police custody on Palm Island in 2004 it sparked riots which climaxed with locals burning the police station. I'll give you the hot tip, they're gonna be fucking pissed when they find out about the most recent developments.

For those of you who have no idea what this is about the facts of the case were basically as follows:

- A black dude called Mulrunji was staggering down the street on Palm Island, clearly the worse for drink, bellowing obscenities and generally being a bit of a cunt.

- A white cop called Chris Hurley arrested Mulrunji for public drunkenness, which in an aboriginal community like Palm Island is a bit redundant, but fair enough.

- Mulrunji struggled a bit and punched Sgt Hurley.

- Hurley lost his rag and belted the blue bejeesus out of Mulrunji, striking him several times while he was on the floor.

- Mulrunji got thrown in a cell and left there. A few hours later he was dead.

- Police made no attempt to check Mulrunji's condition after the bashing. Video footage from this time shows Mulrunji writhing on the floor of his cell crying out for help.

- Police only checked on Mulrunji when a second officer noticed Mulrunji had been quiet for some time and suspected that something might be wrong.

- No attempt was made to resuscitate Mulrunji even when it was uncertain whether he was actually dead.

- An autopsy revealed that Mulrunji had suffered four broken ribs, a ruptured spleen and a liver almost split in half.

- A coroner's inquest ruled that the fatal injuries were caused by the bashing from Sgt Hurley.

- The Director of Public Prosecutions today decided not to press charges against Hurley saying it wasn't the bashing but rather a fall that caused the fatal injuries.

What the fuck?

It has been previously reported that Hurley and Mulrunji fell through the doorway of the watchhouse while scuffling but come on, four broken ribs, a ruptured spleen and a liver dangling by a thread...Must have been quite a fall.

Look, I'm even willing to withhold judgement on the liver thing because I doubt oldmate's liver was in match condition in the first place but seriously, those are pretty serious injuries for a bloke who fell through a doorway.

The coroner (who you one might think is something of an authority on such matters) found this guy died as a result of injuries caused by getting the shit kicked out of him. Now the DPP says there isn't enough evidence to charge him with ANYTHING. Not even assault.

Either way, I would not want to be a cop on Palm Island when the locals find out about this. Not for all tea in China.

Actually, come to think of it, those guys will probably have a ball. After all, they now have confirmation that they can kill black guys without fear of prosecution.

Heavy Kevvie, too smart to be Prime Minister?

2006-12-05T15:51:00.000+10:00

So it finally happened. Yesterday Kevin Rudd was elected leader of the Federal Parliamentary Labor Party, replacing likeable no-hoper and long serving fat bastard Kim Beazley. On what can only be described as an absolute cunt of a day for the big man, he not only lost the top job in the ALP but moments later found out his younger brother David had died. Poor bastard probably got a parking ticket too, but I digress.

On talkback radio this afternoon the usual pundits and commentators discussed Rudd's background, including his time as an ambassador and made mention of his fluency in Mandarin Chinese. Also under discussion was Rudd's familiarity with the issues of the day which was contrasted with his perceived lack of personality. All pretty standard boring stuff. They open up the lines to callers and the regular parade of mouth breathers and fuckwits come out to play. One in particular caught my attention. This baby boomer fishwife with a voice like the mum from The Castle declared that she had never liked "Kevin Ruddock" because he seemed like a know it all and a smart aleck...

Whether or not she had actually managed to confuse a man who looks like Harry Potter (Rudd) with a man who looks like Monty Burns (Philip Ruddock), is unclear. That point aside, what this woman represents, is a perfect example of the sort of knob fondling anti-intellectualism embraced by so many in this country. What is it about the proverbial "man in the street" that makes them see the intelligence of another as some sort of personal affront?

This is exactly the type of idiot you see holding court at a BBQ, secure in the the self appointed authority of someone who has spent their life "raising three beautiful children" and who therefore "knows a thing or two".

Look, I'm sure you're a fucking whizz at packing a lunchbox and your knowledge of Playschool is probably second to none but the fact that someone has an education that extended beyond their fifteenth birthday is not a good enough reason to view them with mistrust or suspicion.

Reporter: Excuse me Madam, who will you be voting for as the leader of our nation?

Bint: Not that bloke. He seems too smart.

For fuck's sake.

Orentho loses his mind but shows off his package.

2006-11-17T16:58:00.000+10:00

O.J. Simpson to discuss killings.

Fox plans to broadcast an interview with O.J. Simpson in which the former football star discusses "how he would have committed" the slayings of his ex-wife and her friend, for which he was acquitted, the network said.

The two-part interview, titled "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened," will air Nov. 27 and Nov. 29, the TV network said.

"O.J. Simpson, in his own words, tells for the first time how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes," the network said in a statement.

"In the two-part event, Simpson describes how he would have carried out the murders he has vehemently denied committing for over a decade. "The interview will air days before Simpson's new book, "If I Did It," goes on sale Nov. 30.

The book, published by Regan, "hypothetically describes how the murders would have been committed."

In a video clip on the network's Web site, an off-screen interviewer says to Simpson, "You wrote 'I have never seen so much blood in my life.'""I don't think any two people could be murdered without everybody being covered in blood," Simpson responds.

Simpson, who now lives in Florida, was acquitted in a criminal trial of the 1994 killings of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ronald Goldman. Simpson was later found liable in 1997 in a wrongful death lawsuit filed by the Goldman family.

Messages left with Simpson and his attorney Yale Galanter were not immediately returned.

Has this negro lost his motherfucking mind?

How big are the testicles on this guy? I'm surprised he can even walk down the street without a wheelbarrow for his balls. Speaking of which, I'm not entirely sure OJ will be able to walk anywhere after this without a bevy of bodyguards and a kevlar vest.

Is OJ a murderer? Almost certainly.

Is he possessed of an enormous set of nads and a complete lack of shame? You bet your fucking life he is.

"I didn't do it but if I did this is how I would have????" I mean, fuck!

They Ought to Race Sheep

2006-11-07T16:50:00.000+10:00

I fucking hate the Melbourne Cup for several reasons but first among them is that it turns otherwise decent people into complete fuckwits.

"Oh yeah I like the look of (insert horse name here). His last five starts have been impressive and he always does well on a wet track."

Remove your hand from your wang old son. You didn't see his last five starts. You've just regurgitated what you read in the paper this morning in a piss weak attempt to sound like you know what you're talking about.

The fact that a depressingly large percentage of the population drops everything and goes absolutely apeshit over a fucking horse race really doesn't say much for our collective intelligence.

Horse racing is not sport. It's a bunch of midgets in silk shirts whipping the shit out of animals that have no idea why they're running, while a pack of sheep in human clothing cheer widly despite not having the first fucking clue which brightly clad midget is riding the horse they've put a tenner on.

Go back to the herd morons.

Hmmmm, I guess we'll all have to be a bit more careful.

2006-10-31T07:29:00.000+10:00

Current affairs program Today Tonight has been sprung covertly filming on a P&O cruise for the second time this year.

Freelance journalist Colin Chapman, his two-man crew and an underage girl have been thrown off the Pacific Star in Port Vila, Vanuatu, after the troubled P&O Cruises caught them secretly filming passengers for the Today Tonight program.

Mr Chapman was also involved in covert filming on the Pacific Star for Today Tonight earlier this year.

Today Tonight host Naomi Robson was deported from Indonesia last September after lying on a visa application in order to try to film a story about a six-year-old Papuan boy who they claimed was supposedly about to be killed by a cannibal tribe.

Anyone who works for a TV current affairs program should be locked in a small, brightly lit room for a prolonged period of time and beaten severely with a damp haddock at regular intervals. Mark my words, when the revolution comes, these parasitic bullshit merchants will be first against the wall......For those of you with limited funds, haddock will be provided.

That's My Team.

2006-10-30T10:18:00.000+10:00

Allow me to pose a hypothetical here. Suppose you're a mad supporter of a certain football team. Suppose the coach of that team appeared on TV and said it's fun to tie puppies to your tow bar and drag them along the road. Would you defend him just because he coached your team or would you think "Fuck...I can't believe that psychopath is in charge of my team"?

The man in the photo is named Keysar Trad and he's a dick.

By now everyone will have heard about little tirade last week from Australia's most senior Muslim Cleric Sheik Hilaly in which he suggested that immodestly dressed women are to blame if they are sexually assaulted. In his own words the Sheik said women who dress in revealing clothes are akin to uncovered meat left lying a park which will eventually attract animals. It's an inventive simile without question but the implications behind it are the stuff of medieval nightmare.

Keysar Trad is the big cheese of an organisation known as the Islamic Friendship Association. He has repeatedly insisted that Hilaly's comments were not unreasonable and maintained that Hilaly is a respectable and worthy man and that the flurry of controversy surrounding the comments is a result of misquotation and media conspiracy.

I swear some poison spitting mufti could clamber up into his pulpit and declare that westerners in general and women in particular are evil in the eyes of Allah and should be beaten about the head with claw hammers and left dangling in the sun and Keysar would blame the ensuing outrage on misinterpretation and media bias.

I'm a big believer in free speech and if some random guy came out with those type of comments it wouldn't be such a big deal. The problem here is that Hilaly is a highly respected and senior representative of the Islamic faith and are large number of people hang on this clown's every word. Sure, he still has the right to say those things, but we also have an equal right to declare him a bigoted fuckwit when he does so. Unfortunately, Keysar Trad seems to think Hilaly should be free to say what he wants and nobody should dare criticise him.

You're supposed to be fostering relations between Islamic Australians and the wider community you moron. Defending some Koran humping reprobate when he says things like that is not the way to go about it. Defending the indefensible is neither admirable nor a sign of devotion to your people. It just makes you look like a half baked hardliner with his head in the sand. Jesus Christ, get with the fucking program.

Psycho Dyke

2006-10-25T13:22:00.000+10:00

Convicted drug smuggler Schapelle Corby says in a new book that she blames the
Bali Nine for the severity of her prison sentence and that she once believed the
heroin trafficking group's Renae Lawrence to be "a psychopathic lesbian".

In her forthcoming book, My Story, due to be released in two weeks, Corby says that she “hated” the Bali Nine and thought Renae Lawrence was a “freak”, an extract published in today's The Australian Women's Weekly says.

“I felt sure their (Bali Nine) crime of trafficking heroin had contributed to me getting 20 years,” Corby said.

“I was terrified of Renae Lawrence. I thought she'd pick on me, start fights and ram my head into the cement walls.

“All the girls who had been sharing cells with her had been telling stories about the freak.

“She refused to let anyone else sleep if she was awake. She kicked them in the head, sexually hit on them and punch them.

“By the time she checked in at Kerobokan (prison), I imagined Renae as a psychopathic lesbian - I was scared to death of her.”

I don't know why, I just find this extremely amusing.

Renae Lawrence: Psychopathic lesbian or dim witted munter? Discuss.

Handouts for Hayseeds.

2006-10-24T16:42:00.000+10:00

The Australian Government is extending drought assistance funding to another 44 farming regions. The increase will cost $650 million and will see almost half of all Australia's farmers become eligible for financial assistance.

Let's hear that again. Half of all the farmers in Australia will be eligible for Government handouts due to the ongoing drought...

So, because your business is completely unsustainable it's therefore up to the rest of us to prop you up until it rains. Is that it?

Have none of you ever questioned the intelligence of trying to grow crops on a barren bit of dirt in the middle of the driest continent on earth?

Why should we have to pay millions of dollars so you can live out some delusional bucolic fantasy that will never come true?

How long are we going to keep this up for? Does anyone really believe that if we give it another year or so it's going to magically start raining out west and everything will be OK? Just because we've got some sort of "proud history" of farming in this country doesn't mean we should just stick our heads in the red dirt and pretend that it can and will be that way forever.

Honestly, I'd rather my tax dollars go to some work-shy Playstation addict. At least I wouldn't have to hear him bitching about how tough his life is every time I turn on the TV.

Paris Syndrome? Wrong. You're just a fucking lunatic.

2006-10-23T13:58:00.000+10:00

Around a dozen Japanese tourists a year need psychological treatment after visiting Paris as the reality of unfriendly locals and scruffy streets clashes with their expectations, a newspaper has reported. "

A third of patients get better immediately, a third suffer relapses and the rest have psychoses," Hotel-Dieu hospital psychologist, Yousef Mahmoudia, told the newspaper Journal du Dimanche.

Already this year, Japan's embassy in Paris has had to repatriate at least four visitors - including two women who believed their hotel room was being bugged and there was a plot against them. Previous cases include a man convinced he was the former French King Louis XIV, and a woman who believed she was being attacked with microwaves.

"Fragile travellers can lose their bearings. When the idea they have of the country meets the reality of what they discover it can provoke a crisis," psychologist Herve Benhamou told the paper.

The phenomenon, which the newspaper dubbed "Paris Syndrome", was first
detailed in the psychiatric journal Nervure in 2004.

Bernard Delage of Jeunes Japon, an association that helps Japanese families settle in France, said: "In Japanese shops, the customer is king, whereas here assistants hardly look at them ... People using public transport all look stern, and handbag snatchers increase the ill feeling.

"A Japanese woman, Aimi, told the paper: "For us, Paris is a dream city. All the French are beautiful and elegant ... And then, when they arrive, the Japanese find the French character is the complete opposite of their own."

Hang on a second.....Paris Syndrome? What kind of bollocks is this? Someone who thinks they're Louis XIV or believes they're being attacked with microwaves is not suffering from Paris Syndrome. They're just barking mad.

If some crazed loon is running about, telling people he's a long dead monarch I'll wager it's not just because the waiter at the cafe where he had lunch sneered at his poor pronunciation of courgette.

Similarly, if you believe you're being attacked with microwaves, I have trouble believing it's because there are bag snatchers on the metro.

Paris Syndrome my arse.

Saint Bono the Tightwad

2006-10-18T11:28:00.000+10:00

U2 frontman Bono faced court in Dublin today to give evidence at an appeal launched by the band's former stylist in a bid to keep a Stetson hat she claims the band gave her.

Lola Cassman says she was given the hat and other memorabilia as gifts during U2's Joshua Tree tour in 1987.

But the band successfully sued last year for the recovery of the hat, a pair of metal hooped earrings, a green sweatshirt and a pair of black trousers, which they said she took without permission.

For fuck's sake. You make millions of dollars a year and you're suing someone for pinching a pair of pants and a hat in 1987! What are you doing you idiot? I've seen that hat in the Rattle and Hum video. It makes you look like a homosexual horse whisperer. Let it go man.

Playboy Magazine's Top 10 Worst Ever Chick Flicks

2006-10-17T12:31:00.001+10:00

In 10th place: The Notebook

In 9th place: Sleepless in Seattle

In 8th place: Fried Green Tomatoes

In 7th place: Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood.

In 6th place: Dirty Dancing

In 5th place: The Bridges of Madison County

In 4th place: Bridget Jones's Diary

In 3rd place: Steel Magnolias

In 2nd place: Ghost

and the worst chick flick of all time according to the readers of Playboy Magazine is......

Beaches

What is probably more interesting than a list of bad movies compiled by Playboy readers is that Playboy Magazine is still around at all. Surely ten years after the internet ceased to be a nerd's paradise and became a social revolution the need for dirty magazines is on the wane. Who is still buying these things?

Here's a hint....PUT DOWN THE FORK!!!

2006-10-17T11:54:00.000+10:00

Apparently not content with gorging themselves on triple cheeseburgers, giant slurpees and deep fried peanut butter sandwiches, bovine Americans have begun eating deep friend Coca Cola.

The gooey Coke-battered nuggets topped with cola syrup won the "most creative" title at the Texas state fair in Dallas last month.

"We've been getting calls from everywhere since we introduced it," Elizabeth Martin, a spokeswoman for the North Carolina fair, told the Dallas Morning News.

"Everyone wants to know where they can get it."

You fat bastards are a fucking embarrassment.

The Computer Is Not Always Right.

2006-10-13T14:50:00.000+10:00

An 80-year-old German motorist has obediently followed his navigation system all the way into a huge pile of sand, abrubtly bringing his trip to an end.

The motorist ignored a motorway "closed for construction" sign and crashed his Mercedes into a pile of sand further down the road, police have said.

"The driver was following the orders from his navigation system and even though there was a sufficient number of warnings and barricades, he continued his journey into the construction site," a police spokeswoman has said.

"His trip finally ended when he wound up crashing into a pile of sand," she added.

The driver and his wife escaped uninjured from the collision, which occurred on a motorway near Hamburg.

Backbench Squarepants

2006-10-12T15:51:00.000+10:00

The Queensland Government is fending off claims that Qld Parliament doesn't sit frequently enough. It has been revealed that this year Qld MPs will sit for a grand total of just 36 days.

That's right friends. Your elected representatives will spend less than one day a week in Parliament over the coming year.

So if you're not a minister and you don't have a portfolio to attend to, exactly what do you do for the rest of the year? Go to school fetes and the odd community fundraiser? Sit in your electorate office and masturbate like a demented chimpanzee? Seriously, I can not imagine what these people actually do with all the free time they must have.

Keep in mind also, that the extent of a backbencher's contribution to parliamentary proceedings is generally limited to sitting on his or her arse and obediantly repeating "hear hear" whenever a higher ranked colleague finishes a sentence.

We pay these people more than $100,000 a year...

Sell out Complete.

2006-10-11T17:21:00.000+10:00

Serial fuckwit Sean "Diddy" Combs has found another corporate cock to suck and teamed up with Burger King and You Tube to launch "Diddy TV."

This isn't a piss take. It's actually happening.

What, you don't already have enough money you fucking crackhead? Advertising zit cream wasn't low enough for you to go? You've got to sell junk food to a bunch of fat Americans too?

Jesus Camp

2006-10-10T01:05:00.001+10:00

Kids believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and pots of gold at the end of rainbows. What chance do these poor little bastards have?

Ouch.

2006-10-09T17:40:00.000+10:00

A Croatian woman has suffered severe burns to her anus after being struck by lightning which hit her in the mouth and passed right through her body.

Natasha Timarovic, 27, was cleaning her teeth in her home in the city of Zadar when lightning struck the building.

"I don't remember much after that, but I was later told that the lightning had travelled down the water pipe and struck me on the mouth, passing through my body," she said.

It was incredibly painful, I felt it pass through my torso and then I don't remember much at all."
Doctors at the city hospital where she was treated for burns to the mouth and rear said: "The accident is bizarre but not impossible.

Our Civilisation in Decline

2006-10-06T15:04:00.000+10:00

I thought I might share a couple of examples of the type of heart warming stories I often come across here at the media monitoring dungeon.

- A 20 month old baby boy has undergone emergency surgery after allegedly being bashed in a home in Sydney's west. Doctors say he is in a critical condition with massive head injuries. Police have charged a 33 year old man over the attack.

- Two 12 year old girls have been released on bail after facing court over an attack on a 15 year old physically and intellectually impaired boy. One of the girls instigated the attack after the boy "looked at her funny."

Lovely.

Pope Says No to Limbo

2006-10-05T17:39:00.000+10:00

Limbo to be put out of its misery
Ruth Gledhill and Richard Owen
October
05, 2006

The Pope will cast aside centuries of Catholic belief this week by abolishing the concept of limbo, in a gesture to help win the souls of millions of babies in the developing world for Christ.

The evidence suggests Benedict XVI never believed in limbo anyway. But in the evangelisation zones of Africa and Asia, the Pope - an authority on all things Islamic - is aware Muslims believe the souls of stillborn babies go straight to heaven.

Looking to spread the faith in countries with high infant mortality, now is a good time to make it clear the stillborn babies of Christian mothers go to heaven, too.

Although it has never been part of the church's doctrine, the existence of limbo was taught to Catholics around the world.

But limbo failed to impress the Pope, who was recorded as saying before his
election:

"Personally, I would let it drop, since it has always been only a theological hypothesis."

This week, a 30-strong Vatican international commission of theologians, which has been examining limbo, began its final deliberations. The theologians' finding is that God wishes all souls to be saved, and that the souls of unbaptised children are entrusted to a merciful God.

"In effect, this means all children who die go to heaven," one source said

Extracted from The Times

While it's a bit tacky that they've done this as an attempt to shore up the numbers in countries where Islam has a decent foothold, what I really want to know is this: What is the cut off age between childhood and adulhood? Is it 12 like at the movies? 17 like at the Department of Transport? 18 like the pub or the polling booth?

Old enough to vote, too old for paradise. How ironic that would be.

Come on Benny, tell me, at what point does the free entry pass for heaven expire? Does it make allowances for people who have intellectual disabilities like Downs Syndrome who may be adults in a physical sense but children in an intellectual one? Admit it, you're just making this shit up as you go along aren't you?

While we're on it, does it bother anyone else that 30 churchmen were conscripted to discuss what is basically a moot point? Couldn't they have been doing something useful like, oh I don't know, say, helping the needy?

What?

2006-09-29T10:43:00.000+10:00

Dude.......... just fucking retire.

It's because you won't let them shag!

2006-09-28T09:46:00.000+10:00

Motherhood message for Gen Y Catholics
Linda Morris Religious Affairs Reporter, SMH, September 28, 2006
The Archbishop of Sydney, Cardinal George Pell, is sounding a warning for the health of the Catholic Church, saying "religious confusion" among young Catholics is worse than for other Christian youth.
And the lack of faith among young women could have serious implications for future generations given it has traditionally been mothers who have inspired children to faith.
In a speech he is due to give to Catholic educators today, Cardinal Pell partly blames comparative religion courses and "contemporary propaganda" for taking young Catholics "beyond tolerance and ecumenism and towards muddle".

So it's comparative religion courses that are to blame for diminished numbers at mass? We'll leave aside the "contemporary propaganda" bit because it could mean just about anything and sounds suspiciously like something he threw in there just to round out a sentence.

If being exposed to information about religions other than the one they were baptised into results in Catholics deciding to pack it all in, what does that say about the strength of Catholicism?

Wouldn't you like to think you've got something worth believing in that will stand up to a more rigorous examination than a comparative religion course at high school?

George's answer to this crisis would seem to be preventing Catholics from becoming aware of faiths other than their own. Why don't you just try to reinstate the Index of Banned Books you medieval throwback.

I'm sorry George but you're no better than a jealous lover who freaks out if their partner talks to someone else.

I often wonder whether the only reason the Catholic Church stopped burning and torturing people is because they no longer have the military power to do so.

During the era of the Inquisition the Roman Catholic Church was backed by European kings who kindly provided their armies for the church's use. Eternal salvation for the blood of heretics and all that. It probably seemed like a fair trade at the time. However, with new fangled developments like the separation of church and state, the church lost its sword arm and much of its influence. Sure they could still exercise a diminished form of behavioural control with threats of hellfire, but it's not quite the same as riding into town on a black stallion, setting up a kangaroo court and butchering people who confessed under torture is it?

Jeez I wonder how this happened.

2006-09-27T10:52:00.000+10:00

Steven Tyler Reveals He Has Hepatitis C
Sep 26, 2:10 PM
EST
The Associated Press
Steven Tyler says he was diagnosed with hepatitis C three years ago after having the illness for a long time without any symptoms.
In an interview that was to air Tuesday on "Access Hollywood," the 58-year-old Aerosmith frontman said the infection was now "nonexistent" in his bloodstream after 11 months of treatment, including the drug interferon.
"I've been pretty quiet about this," Tyler was quoted as saying. "I've had hepatitis C for a long time, asymptomatic. And I talked to my doctor ... and he said now is the time and it's 11 months of chemotherapy. So I went on that and it about killed me."
Hepatitis C is a liver disease spread by contact with the blood of an infected person, according to the Web site for the Centers for Disease Control, hich recommends testing for intravenous drug users and transfusion recipients, among others. According to 2004 estimates by the CDC, 3.2 million people have the chronic infection.
"It is nonexistent in my bloodstream as we speak, so it's one of those few miracles in doctoring where it's like a complete cure. It's gone," Tyler said.

A couple of days ago I saw a post on this blog in which the author listed everyone who wasn't a complete pussy. It was a short list. One person to be exact. Keith Richards.

I would like to nominate Steve Tyler as the second person worthy of being included on the list. Not only has he done enough coke and booze to kill mere mortals, he has also somehow or other managed to see off a lethal and supposedly incurable virus from his bloodsteam. The ball is in your court Keith.

Nothing to fear but fear itself?

2006-09-27T08:44:00.000+10:00

The BBC this morning reported that a Berlin opera company has cancelled a Mozart production over security fears because it features the severed heads of the Prophet Muhammad and Jesus.

Deutsche Oper said "incalculable" security risks would be posed by staging Idomeneo.

"We know the consequences of the conflict over the (Muhammad) caricatures," the opera company said in a statement.

"We believe that needs to be taken very seriously and hope for your support."

The opera was staged in Berlin in 2003, drawing criticism over a scene where the king presents the heads of Greek sea god Poseidon, Muhammad, Jesus and Buddha.

The director, Kirsten Harms, said security officials had now warned of possible problems if the production went ahead, and that it was in the best interests of performers and opera-goers to cancel it.

Berlin's mayor, Klaus Wowereit, said the director had made the wrong decision to scrap the production.

"Our ideas about openness, tolerance and freedom must be lived out on the offensive," he told the Associated Press.

"Voluntary self-limitation gives those who fight against our values a confirmation in advance that we will not stand behind them."

It is a sad day when the work of one of the world's most respected composers is rejected because it may provoke people to violence on the basis of religion. The unpalatable truth of the matter is that they're probably right. If this production were to go ahead you can almost guarantee a bunch of fanatics would hit the streets from Berlin to Baghdad screaming for revenge.

Does anyone expect a bunch of old school Greeks, Tibetan monks or bolshy protestants to pour into the streets screaming blue murder? Of course not. Unfortunately, a violent and completely over the top reaction from Muslims is a very real possibility and at least part of me understands the concerns of an opera company who doesn't want to put its performers at risk.

But are we really going to be frightened into submission and have our freedom to enjoy art curtailed by threats of violence? What the hell is going on here? If somebody grabbed a high ranking Imam, lopped his head off and stuck it on a pike out the front of the Berlin Opera House I'd understand if people were a tad miffed. But if the decapitation of a deity and a couple of prophets occurs in a work of fiction, written by one of history's greatest ever composers and sung by fat people in frilly clothing you need to take it with a grain of fucking salt.

Now look here you savage bastards, if you expect people to tiptoe around your absurdly delicate sensibilities, how is it that you don't see any need to afford anyone else the same courtesty. For a while there you lot were the most progressive, enlightened and advanced civilisation on the planet. This at a time when Christians spent an awful awful lot of time running around burning each other and praying in a language they didn't speak. What happened? Where did it all go wrong?

Am I on the money here or am I just turning into a right wing talkback host? After all if we let these Sharia Law abiding cunts have their way, there would be a complete ban on singing, dancing, music and pretty much anything which might be considered fun. You know what I don't understand? If you lived in some shitsville country like Afghanistan or Somalia and spent your days roasting your your arse off and eating dirt in between having your village annihilated by natural disasters, wouldn't you want a bit of song and dance to lighten your heart every now and then? It's not like your everyday life is so crash hot you can't possibly deal with the idea of any more fun is it?

Don't call me violent or I'll fucking kill you!

2006-09-19T14:36:00.000+10:00

Following Pope Joseph "Adolf" Ratzinger's recent use of a medieval quotation suggesting Islam is a religion tainted by a history of violence, Muslim firebrands around the globe have done a great job of proving his point by once again going completely apeshit.

This kind of stupidity I simply can't understand. A word to the wise guys, if you're hell bent on expressing your outrage at someone who dared suggest your religion encourages violence (and jeez, I wonder what might have given anyone that idea), then baying for blood, burning churches and gunning down elderly nuns is quite possibly the most stupid and self defeating of all possible ways to go about it.

This is the problem with fundamentalism of any sort. It breeds people completely devoid of the ability to laugh at themselves and lacking any sort of perspective. Isaac "Chef" Hayes, was cool with working on South Park which lampooned everything under the sun right up until the day they had a crack at his own beloved Scientology. Then all of a sudden it wasn't so funny.

I once met a born again Christian who chuckled merrily at jokes about Jews but freaked the fuck out when I called Jesus the world's most popular draft dodger.

If you must live your life based on a heavily edited collection of two thousand year old documents, is it that fucking hard to focus on the parts that don't require large quantities of blood and dismembered limbs? I know adhering to certain sections of what purports to be the word of God and ignoring others pretty much makes believing any of it completely pointless but if I get started on that I'll be here all night.

Back to the point. What is it about Islam that makes so many of its followers incapable of ignoring the less savoury bits in their holy book? Why is it that any perceived insult, no matter how slight, is greeted with complete outrage and the sort of righteous screams for vengeance that seem to be the red hot lifeblood of this particular religion? Perhaps they're just more honest with themselves and are just struggling gamely to adhere to all aspects of their contradictory religious text as opposed to Christians who happily pick and choose which parts of God's word they feel are worth following.

While we're on it, don't give me this bollocks about the perpetrators of this religious hatred not being "real" Muslims. I'm sorry but that shit doesn't fly unless you're going to say that John Howard and George W. Bush aren't "real" Christians because they set in motion events that have resulted in the deaths of thousands of people. They certainly consider themselves to be Christians. Are you going to tell them they're not? A religion can not absolve itself of any connection to the abhorrent behaviour of a member of its congregation by claiming that person wasn't a "real" member of the faith. Any attempt to do so is nothing more than a cheap cop out and evidence of a moral dishonesty unworthy of any organisation which would attempt to tell people how to live.

Judaism, Christianity and Islam are the three religions of the Word, each one a new and supposedly improved version of the last. Could it be the developmental stage of each faith that results in such strikingly different behaviour in its followers? Stay with me here. I don't know where I'm going with this but I've got this theory by the reigns and I'm going to see where it takes me. Try this on:

In this the year of our lord 2006:

Jews are the grumpy old codgers who have been around, seen a thing or two and are convinced that everyone younger than them is out to get them.
Christians are 21st century teenagers. Smug, overprivileged know-it-alls who are often too preoccupied with shiny things to be bothered with being a good person.
Muslims are the toddlers of the religious world. Petulant and emotionally driven crybabies who will throw the toys out of the cot when things don't go their way.

You heard it here first.

Totally Oz

2006-09-12T12:41:00.000+10:00

Not all the individuals are dead.

It was with great delight that I discovered that Denise "Ding Dong" Drysdale once turned up to the Logie Awards with an esky full of UDLs after having been frustrated with the slow service from the waiters the year before.

Apparently she got away with it by disguising the esky as an oversized handbag.

The Logie Awards as we all know are an excuse for insipid B-List personalities to pat each other on the back, attempt to convince themselves that soap opera is an art form, hand the Gold Logie to whoever is currently the most boring entity on the box then kick on into the night, maintaining their inflated sense of importance by hoovering back large amounts of cocaine at the after party.

Not for Denise. A six pack of UDLs in a cunningly camouflaged esky is more her style.

Something about the complete lack of pretension inherent in that type of behaviour softens my heart. Particularly when it took place at an event normally dominated by fevered egos and narcissistic nobodies. Can you imagine Lisa "Wingnut" McCune doing the same thing? Not fucking likely.

Can't we get Ding Dong some kind of award? The woman turned up at Australian TV's night of nights with an esky full of some of the cheapest, nastiest booze you can get. While everyone else was tossing their hair and sipping champagne, she was surrepetitiously knocking back the kind of stuff that is normally drunk in large quantities by 15 year old girls shortly before they get dragged into a bedroom for their debut shag before ending the night crying on the stairs smelling faintly of vomit, vodka and jism.

Diddy Look like a fool?

2006-09-11T17:46:00.000+10:00

During my daily exploration of the tabloid dungeons of Murdoch Castle I came across the following:

US rap star Sean Combs will be forced to change his name once again after losing the right to call himself Diddy in Britain to a disgruntled little-known music producer. Combs, 36, who used to call himself Puff Daddy, Puffy and P. Diddy, agreed to pay more than £100,000 ($248,000) legal costs and £10,000 ($24,800) damages in a settlement last week at a London court.

Richard Dearlove, who has traded under the Diddy name since 1992, sued Combs after he dropped the P from his moniker.

"He changed his name to Diddy. I was gutted," Dearlove told The Guardian. "I started getting emails from Puerto Rican girls asking if they could be in my video."

Yet more evidence, as if any was needed, that this guy is a complete and utter tool. Why is he famous again? These days he gets most of his headlines for changing his name every couple of months. Oh sure, he banged Jennifer Lopez for a while, cashed in on the death of his so called friend, started a record label responsible for releasing some of the most dreary crap ever recorded, stuck his name on some suits and along the way scored a couple of hits by rapping over the top of songs that were already part of the global consciousness but really, what has this parasite actually ever done to justify the incredible publicity he receives?

Everyone rags on Paris Hilton for being a scum sucking famewhore who is famous for being famous and rightly so, but if we're going to lynch talentless famewhores this cunt should be at the top of the list. Every couple of years he releases a pre-fab hip-hop by numbers single then changes his name to keep himself in the limelight.

When changing from P Diddy to just plain Diddy he claimed "the P was getting between me and my fans."

Sean, you're a fuckwit. You probably always were and you probably always will be.

I mean for fuck's sake he was caught on video completely off his tits on crack, bragging about being the first to use a certain zit cream. How fucking cool and interesting can he be?

Classy Chick

2006-09-07T10:59:00.000+10:00

Australia's most halfwitted autocue reader Naomi Robson has been forced to apologise after appearing on Today Tonight dressed in a Crocodile Hunter style khaki outfit, complete with a lizard on her shoulder, a mere 24 hours after Steve Irwin's death.

The whole show was filmed at the gates of Australia Zoo where Irwin fans have created a floral memorial.

Channel Seven has tried to blame the comical park ranger look on a wardrobe assistant and Robson herself has tried to blame the inclusion of the lizard on a young Irwin fan who was also at Australia Zoo.

Well done Naomi, you nauseating bint. Nothing says class like dressing up as a recently deceased celebrity then blaming the ensuing controversy on a small child.

Golden Bath doesn't have quite the same ring to it

2006-09-06T12:48:00.000+10:00

A new book claims Sharon Stone's on-set antics so angered crew members on one of her films, they were inspired to seek revenge by urinating in a bathtub just moments before the actress hopped in it for a scene.

Screenwriter Joe Eszterhas has put the boot into top stars in his new book The Devil's Guide to Hollywood.

Also coming in for some attention are Robert De Niro whom Eszterhas described as "pathetically lost without the words of a script," and Val Kilmer; "An imbecile who nominated three of his own movies, including Batman Forever, as the three best film moments of the century."

Joe Eszterhas is the "creative genius" behind films such as Showgirls, Sliver and Basic Instinct. One can't help but wonder what he considers to be the three best film moments of the century.

Is Val Kilmer a wanker or just a smart arse? More importantly, which celebrity's bath would you take a slash in if given the chance?

Steve Irwin checks out in appropriate fashion.

2006-09-04T16:43:00.000+10:00

Hyperactive animal lover Steve Irwin has died while fondling a sting-ray in North Qld sending the Australian media into an apeshit frenzy.

Redneck fuckwits have hit internet news sites leaving mountains of comments ranging from the predictably stupid, to the outright hilarious.

Crikey! Whats the world coming to. First 9/11, then Bali... and now
this! Bloody Hell. RIP Stevo.
Posted by: Pete Rulebreaker 3:32pm today

THIS IS JUST LIKE WHEN THE PRINCESS DIANNA PASSED BUT
WORSE
Posted by: Erin bradford of Hobat, Tasmania 3:36pm today

Steve Irwin is the face of this great Nation and will be deeply
missed by all. My heart goes out to his wonderful family who will know doubt
miss him more than we could ever know. This is a sad day for
Australia.
Posted by: Darren Jackson-Carver 3:36pm today

Steve, is and always be one of the Greatest Australians to
live.
Posted by: Clayton Mettam of Perth, WA

Steve was an inspiration to alot of folks, not just Aussies. He put his money and his time (along with his wife and family) where is mouth was....

I'm a grown man and I feel like crying. No other person on God's
green Earth did more, or put more time and money into helping animals. This guy
was a saint. I was surprised when Princess Di was killed but Steve's passing is
shocking. The Earth lost a warrior.
Posted by: James Needer of Sunnybank Hills 2:49pm today

It is expected that the term "great Australian" will be bandied about ad fucking nauseum by politicians and media personalities for at least the next few days.

Any pretense of objectivity will be left trampled under foot as the media rush to turn a well meaning dropkick into a saint.

Sources close to the family say two miracles have already been attributed to Irwin and attempts are underway to determine whether the fact that he hasn't already been killed by a wild animal can be counted as the third miracle required to kick start the canonisation proceedings.

While some are viewing Irwin's death as a tragedy others see it as a perfect example of natural selection at work.

Irwin is survived by his wife Terri, a son he once dangled in front of a crocodile and a daughter he allowed to kick his son in the head.

Farewell Steve. You weren't a bad guy. You were just a bit of a dickhead.

Arbeit Macht Frei

2006-09-01T11:54:00.000+10:00

An Italian politician has sparked controversy by using the slogan "work makes you free" in a brochure to promote local job centres.

Tommaso Coletti said he couldn't remember where he read the phrase but it made an immediate impact on him because it told an "immense truth."

I see...Let me tell you another immense truth you ignorant halfwit. That particular phrase was used by another group of people who understood very well the power of slogans except they wrote it "Arbeit Macht Frei".

Ringing any bells?

What better way to motivate the unemployed than by using the slogan that sat atop the gates of the Nazi's most infamous death camp.

Sharon!!!

2006-09-01T01:09:00.000+10:00

A Sydney court was today told a man who drugged and sexually assaulted a 13-year-old girl, did so because he believed he was Ozzy Obourne.

Arthur Fairwell, 39, is facing a sentencing hearing in the NSW District Court, where he has pleaded guilty to six charges over the assault of the girl and the drugging of her and her mother.

Fairwell met the girl's mother through a telephone dating service in May 2004.

The court has previously been told that he drugged the woman and her daughter with a sedative at their south-western Sydney home before sexually assaulting the teenage girl.

Making submissions on sentence today, defence barrister Greg Scragg told the court Fairwell had discussed his mental state at the time of the offences with a forensic psychiatrist.

"My client had come to form the belief he was Ozzy Osbourne, the lead singer in the heavy metal rock group known as Black Sabbath," Mr Scragg said.

"He became obsessed with the idea that he had to do what Ozzy Osbourne had done."

Mr Scragg said Fairwell had learned of a claim that Osbourne had had sex with a 13-year-old girl. The lawyer said that, because of his client's obsessive beliefs, Fairwell felt compelled to follow in the singer's footsteps.

Today's hearing was frequently interrupted by vocal outbursts from Mr Fairwell who shouted from the dock in an American accent.

......There are so many things wrong with this. I mean, for fuck's sake dude! Couldn't you have just developed a drug habit, had a couple of ugly kids and started letting dogs shit all through your house?

While we're on it, Ozzy Osbourne certainly doesn't have an American accent you daft cunt. And you call yourself a fan?

Who are you calling paranoid?

2006-08-31T17:40:00.000+10:00

Terror suspect Jack Thomas has been banned from phoning Osama bin Laden under the control order he has been placed on by the Federal Government.

So half the world's intelligence agencies, spies, moles and satellites have spent five years trying to find the lanky bastard and failed miserably yet the Australian Government seems to think a dude from Melbourne might be capable of getting hold of him on his moby.

Fuckwits.

Shit Art.

2006-08-31T16:00:00.000+10:00

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have yet to show their baby daughter off in public, but eager fans were given an unusual preview today with what's claimed to be a bronze cast depicting her first solid stool.

The scatological sculpture is purportedly cast from 19-week-old Suri's first bowel movement and will be shown at the Capla Kesting gallery in Brooklyn, New York, before being auctioned off for charity.

The artist behind the work, Daniel Edwards, previously courted controversy with a life-size nude sculpture of pop star Britney Spears giving birth on a bearskin rug. That work was shown at the same gallery in April.

"A bronzed cast of baby's first poop can be a meaningful memento for the family," gallery director David Kesting said, adding that he hoped the work would attract bids of up to $39,352.

From News

A few questions need to be asked.

Who decides to make a bronze shit?
What kind of moron buys a bronze shit?
Who is the biggest fuckwit: Tom, Katie, the "artist" or the twat who buys this thing?

A World of Pure Imagination

2006-08-30T12:50:00.000+10:00

John Mark Karr, the man who claimed to have killed child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsay reportedly wanted Johnny Depp to play him in a movie about the killing.

Karr has recently been revealed to be an attention seeking deviant who had nothing to do with Ramsay's murder.

As well as having the Depp earmarked for the lead role, Karr had gone to the effort of writing a screenplay about the murder and claimed that if it were made, the movie would make at least one billion dollars.

In an email to a University of Colorado professor Karr said his personality was similar to the Willy Wonka character portrayed by Depp in the recent movie of the same name, the only difference being that "Wonka didn't know how to treat children."

Sorry dude, the kiddie porn on your computer and your insistence that you were involved in a sexual relationship with an eight year old suggest you're a bit hazy on the correct way to treat children too.

A thought on the Queensland election

2006-08-29T13:05:00.000+10:00

VS

Equals

Hypocrite Warning!

2006-08-29T11:54:00.000+10:00

Backstabbing Qld Liberal Party Leader Bruce Flegg has made much of his medical qualifications throughout the course of the current election campaign. All over town there are billboards bearing this clown's ugly mug and proclaiming that the Liberal Party has "Real Doctors, not Spin Doctors"

After spending the past two weeks flailing about like a drunken pelican and making a prize dick of himself in front of the TV cameras, Flegg has obviously decided the old rules no longer apply and enlisted the help of Federal Liberal Party spin doctor and human flak jacket Graeme Hallett.

Hallet is a long serving Canberra media advisor and spin doctor who currently works for Federal Roads Minister Jim Lloyd. He was recently implicated in a scandal surrounding improper use of federal funding.

Thanks for the outing yourself Bruce you pathetic hypocrite. You're just like all the rest. All your high ideals and morals go straight out the window as soon as it starts looking like you're going to get rolled.

Just shut up and drive

2006-08-28T15:11:00.000+10:00

Taxi Drivers. The following is a list of truths you would do well to reflect upon.

1. Your job does involve interacting with people who have been drinking. Don't act surprised that you might be expected to come face to face with someone who is a little the worse for drink. Unless that person assaults you, pukes or takes a dump in the back of the cab, shut up and stop bitching.

2. It is up to you to know where you are going. Leaving the meter running while you pull over to look at the street directory is the same as a hooker charging you while she sits down with a copy of a sex education pamphlet. You're supposed to know this stuff already and if you don't, I certainly shouldn't be paying for the time it takes you to learn.

3. When someone tells you they live on a major inner city street, missing the turn and then accusing them of not giving you proper directions is about as plausible as our friend the hooker sucking on your kneecap and then accusing you of not telling her where your dick is.

4. You have no right to expect a tip. If, through some miracle, you have transported me from my place of origin to my intended destination via the shortest possible route then you have done nothing more than complete your duties competently and the already outrageous figure on the meter is more than adequate compensation.

5. I don't want to hear your opinions on football, politics, immigrants, single mothers, dole bludgers, drug addicts or the commercialisation of Christmas. Shut up and drive the car. This is particularly true if you are a grumpy cunt. I'm paying for a service here. The role of the service provider is to make sure the customer's experience is as pleasant as possible. It doesn't mean treating them like a captive audience for your own impotent bitching and moaning.

6. Why do all of you bastards listen to such shit music?

Some Like It Rough

2006-08-25T13:13:00.000+10:00

Jessica Alba has had a tooth knocked out and another one chipped while filming a sex scene for an upcoming movie in which she co-stars with comedian Dane Cook.

Alba described the incident thusly:

"We were smashing our faces together and it just happened. It's not the slowest, most romantic of love scenes."

Exactly how hard were these people snogging? I'm not ashamed to admit I've seen some pretty dodgy porn in my time but never have I seen anyone take a mid-coitus smack to the face that would be hard enough to dislodge teeth.

I seem to recall that Jessica Alba was in the headlines a while back for having been pashed by a chimpanzee at some sort of MTV function. Take a look at her latest on screen sex partner and see if you can detect a pattern emerging.

I rest my case.

Great Glaven in a Glass!

2006-08-25T10:48:00.000+10:00

Astronomers have voted to strip Pluto of its status as a planet.

The researchers decided that Pluto failed to dominate its orbit around the sun in the same way as other planets.

Iwan Williams from the International Astronomical Union said he was saddened by the decision.

"I have a slight tear in my eye today, yes; but at the end of the day we have to describe the Solar System as it really is, not as we would like it to be. "

Tear in your eye? Man up you little pussy! What fucking difference does it make if there are eight planets or nine? I'll give you the hot tip, most people care so little about astronomy when they think of Pluto, they think of an animated dog.

While we're on it, why does Goofy get to walk upright while Pluto scampers about on all fours? They're both dogs Walt you dickhead!

Under the man-dress, lurks a secret shame

2006-08-23T11:45:00.000+10:00

Osama bin Laden had a raging boner for Whitney Houston according to a woman who claims to have been the al Qaeda leader's mistress in the 1990s.

Sudanese activist and writer Kola Boof made the claims in her autobiography "Diary of a Lost Girl."

In the book Boof alleges that bin Laden joked about killing Houston's husband Bobby Brown and inviting her to join his harem.

Apparently in between riding her like his favourite camel, the terrorist mastermind opened his heart to Ms Boof, telling her that Houston was "a beautiful woman with a nice smile who was truly Islamic but had been brainwashed by American culture and her husband."

I don't know about you but I struggle with the idea of Osama bin Laden barring up over a black pop star with a drug addiction and a penchant for the high life. Although I suppose stranger things have happened.

Old man, I salute you.

2006-08-23T10:09:00.000+10:00

Let us take a moment to tip our hats to Emiliano Mercado del Toro.

On Monday del Toro celebrated his 115th birthday and is now recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the world's oldest living man.

Asked about his remarkable longevity, del Toro credited it to healthy eating and avoiding alcohol. He told guests at his 115th birthday party that he had "never damaged his body with liquor."

Family members also believe his decision to kick a 76 year habit and quit smoking at the age of 90 to be a contributing factor.

Healthy eating and avoiding alcohol? Oldmate smoked for 76 years!!!

115 years old. Pumped the darts for 76 years. Fit as a fucking fiddle. I had never even heard of this guy until yesterday but for some reason I feel incredibly proud of him. Go hard old man. Keep kicking.

Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children.

2006-08-23T07:04:00.000+10:00

Smoking scenes in Tom and Jerry cartoons have been banned in Britain following a viewer's complaint to the government agency that polices the airwaves.

In one episode of the classic American cartoon series, Tom is seen smoking a roll-up cigarette in an attempt to impress a female cat. In another, Tom's opponent in a tennis match is seen smoking a large cigar.

Following an investigation prompted by the anonymous viewer's complaint, regulator Ofcom said today that children's TV channel Boomerang had agreed to edit out scenes deemed to glamorise or condone smoking.

Apparently Tom and Jerry's violent gags are still cool though. You can show a cat getting chopped in half. Just don't show him smoking a dart...

Drugs Are Bad m'kay?

2006-08-22T21:43:00.000+10:00

Last week Mornings with Kerri-Anne featured a ten minute segment in which Kerri-Anne and a bunch of predictable drug "experts" banged on about the dangers associated with drug use and the destructive impact of drugs on individuals, families and society in general. Kerri-Anne then threw to the commercial break with an excerpt from........Riders on the Storm.

For. Fuck's. Sake.

"Drugs are bad m'kay. Now let's play out the segment with a bit of music from one of the heaviest doping bands in history."

Did they even realise? I would like to think it was just a case of some smart arse producer taking the piss but I've got a feeling it was more likely the work of some moron who didn't see the irony in what they were doing.

Anyway, this little episode got me thinking and I began to reflect on all the times I've heard conservative talkback radio hosts, and conservative people in general pour scorn and contempt on someone with a drug habit, yet claim to be a huge fan of a band or musician who took enough drugs to anaesthetise an entire herd of buffalo.

I will guarantee you that even the most hardcore anti-drug campaigner has at least one album in their collection made by people who were really, really high at the time. Even if it is Simon and Garfunkel.

In light of Channel Nine's little slipup I would like to nominate three Brisbane media personalities for the inaugural Kerri-Anne Kennerley Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Hypocrisy.

John Miller of 4BC: Hates drugs. Loves Led Zeppelin.

Peter Dick of 4BC: Hates drugs. Loves Fleetwood Mac.

Spencer Howson 612 ABC: Hates drugs. Loves The Beatles.

I'm not saying drugs are a source of enlightenment or pretending that they don't have incredibly destructive consequences. What I am doing is pointing out that drugs have, in their own way, fuelled and heightened the creativity of people who created a lot of the most enduring and enriching music of the last century. As a matter of fact you could probably take one of those cheesy lists of the "50 Greatest Albums of All Time" and feel fairly confident that a good proportion of those musicians were using plenty of "stimulants" when they created their most seminal works.

Just a thought.

Not in those shoes mate...

2006-08-14T17:46:00.000+10:00

Nightclub bouncers, here are few things for you to consider.

The greasy looking product in your buzz cut and your pointy sideburns do not make you in any way qualified to comment on the fashion sense of others. Most of you look like a mashed up Freddo Frog in an ill fitting suit.
The fact you didn't get into the police force is nobody else's fault.
You check ID cards for a living. This humble occupation in no way justifies the outrageous egos many of you seem to carry. You're standing in the doorway of a dime a dozen club, not at the entrance to the Oval Office. How about losing the attitude?
We take it for granted that you're probably on the dim side, however if you can't tell the difference between a 30 year old woman and a 17 year old girl you're a fucking moron.
The perpetual scowl on your face doesn't make you look tough or cool. It makes you look like an angry monkey.

Why do we put up with these oversized, fashion nazi, meatheads? Why does anyone accept as normal the idea that their suitability to buy alcohol in a venue is somehow dependant on the type of fabric their shoes are made of? And can someone please explain to me what the fuck "it's not the kind of look we're going for tonight" means?

When the Revolution Comes...

2006-08-11T13:26:00.000+10:00

Telstra CEO Sol Trujillo has been rewarded with an $8.7 million pay packet for a year in which he infuriated Canberra, wiped $16 billion off the value of the company and delivered the worst profit performance since the company was floated nine years ago.

Despite yesterday handing down a 26 per cent slump in full year net profit, Telstra said it's imported Chief Executive had hit enough performance targets to pocket a short term incentive bonus of $2.58 million.

From The Australian

Let's take a look at Mr Trujillo's recent employment history shall we?

- From 1995 to 2000 Solomon Trujillo was the President and Chairman of US West Communications. He resigned shortly before the company became the subject of a federal criminal probe for overstating nearly a billion dollars in profits. Upon his departure he was rewarded with a $95 million payout.

- After fleeing US West, Trujillo took over as the Chairman and CEO of a small company called Graviton. In this position he hired 40 employees in order to achieve a $750,000 bonus before laying them off again two months later. The company folded 12 months later.

- Following the demise of Graviton Trujillo served as the CEO of Orange SA. He held the position for less than a year and has remained tight lipped about his reasons for leaving.

It's worth pointing out that despite having a personal wealth most people could only dream of, the shifty eyed burrito is yet to purchase a single Telstra share. Jeez do you reckon he knows something we don't?

What kind of diseased society tolerates a situation where underperforming, machiavellian princes are placed in a position where their performance, regardless of its impact on the lives of thousands, is completely irrelevant because, fail or succeeed, they are going to be rewarded with obscene paychecks and unholy severance packages.

"Hey Sol, you fucked up badly mate. Here's a few million to tide you over while you look for another company to fuck up.

First against the wall Sol. When the revolution comes, you and your ilk will be first against the wall.

Oxygen Thief

2006-08-09T17:58:00.000+10:00

A Perth court has been told a man who seriously injured a 14-month-old girl when he put her in a clothes dryer and turned it on was only trying to give her "a fun time".

21-year-old Samuel Marc Barnes Siddall today pleaded guilty in the Joondalup Magistrates Court to causing grievous bodily harm after he put his girlfriend's daughter, Mia Jade Jeffrey, in the dryer for about two minutes on May 25.

Mia's mother, Marnie Jowett, who had left the toddler in Siddall's care while she visited a gym, returned home to find the toddler shaking with pain from burns to her hands, feet and back, and bruises to her face and spine.

Siddall, who at the time of the incident was studying at university to become a teacher, had told Ms Jowett he had no idea how the girl was injured, before taking them both to hospital.

He subsequently admitted during a police interview that he had put the toddler in a dryer "just for fun," and said he thought she would enjoy it because she liked "being whizzed around"....

They say that the high school record required to study teaching at university is now so low that the teachers of tomorrow will be the people who barely scraped through high school themselves. If this fucking halfwit is indicative of the current crop, I'm inclined to believe it. This means the people teaching your kids may very well be the same fuckers who mooned you during your poetry recital.

Original story from The Australian

Questionable Parenting

2006-08-09T16:35:00.000+10:00

Crocodile hunter, wildlife warrior and all round irritating fuckwit Steve Irwin has yet again proved his model father status by revealing that he allows his eight-year-old daughter to kick his two-year-old son.

Irwin has previously raised heart rates and more than a few eyebrows by hand feeding a crocodile with one hand while holding his new born son in the other.

Now Irwin has declared he allows his daughter Bindi to "belt'' her two-year-old brother Bob as long as she takes her shoes off first.

"When Bindi belts Bob I say, 'Bin, I realise you have to pick on your little brother, but take off your shoes before you kick him in the head','' he said."That way, she gets to whack him and he doesn't get hurt."That's a compromise. Everybody's happy,'' he said.

What kind of fucking nonsense is this? Don't bother teaching her that physical violence is not the right way to deal with anger or frustration. Just let the little bitch put the boot in. Bravo you silly cunt. Bravo.

Nobody Smokes Here Anymore

2006-08-09T10:10:00.000+10:00

A recent article in the Courier Mail highlighted yet another absurd and Monty Pythonesque situation which has come about as a result of the Queensland Government's new anti-smoking laws. It seems that Queensland golf clubs are being forced to designate smoking and non smoking holes on the course. Even more absurd, it seems smokers will be allowed to smoke on certain parts of a given hole, but not on others. For example: on certain holes at Wynnum Golf Course, smoking will be banned from the tee area to the watercourse, but allowed from the water to the green.

To use an analogy of which I am particularly fond, this seems to make about as much sense as having a separate part of the ocean for pissing. I've had enough of these uppity fuckers from the Cancer Council et al. Let's get one thing straight. Anti-smokers are a bunch of obnoxious, self righteous zealots whose primary desire is to impose their will on every member of society. Don't fool yourself, they don't give a flying fuck if you die from cancer or develop emphysema. All those horrendous pictures on cigarette packs are not there because non smokers want to help you. They are there because non smokers figure if they can scare a few people out of smoking, the world will be more to their liking.

We have millions of motor vehicles choking our streets and spewing toxic chemicals into the air, jet aircraft taking off every couple of minutes, industries sending mushroom clouds of lung destroying gunk billowing into the sky, and yet we are being comprehensively shafted by a self righteous bunch of skittish fanatics who have the gall to insist that cigarette smoking be banned in large, open, outdoor areas where people gather for recreational purposes.

It was bad enough when they banned it in pubs. Remember those ads with the bar staff saying they shouldn't have to go home with a sore throat and sore eyes from working in a smoky pub? Look sweetheart if you don't like cigarettes don't work in a fucking pub! You don't become a coal miner if you're scared of the dark do you?

Do us all a favour. Next time you're about to saddle up your high horse, think about how many cigarettes worth of chemicals come out of your exhaust pipe every week. Then shut the fuck up.

I'm gonna start a religion.

2006-08-08T15:53:00.000+10:00

For 30 years many residents of the US town of Frostburg have been bemused and annoyed at the three storey high, and 400 foot long metal and concrete frame that Pastor Richard Greene calls his "modern Noah's Ark." Greene has been working on the ark on and off for 30 years as he awaits Judgement Day. He claims the ark came to him in visions during disturbing dreams in 1976. While some neighbours are tolerant, others claim the structure decreases property values and wastes religious charity. Contributions from the faithful towards the building project have totalled over $1,000,000 US.

Somebody needs to explain to me, the rank stupidity, superstitious ignorance and staggering leaps of logic required to believe:

a) There is an invisible man somewhere in the ether who created the universe.
b) said invisble man, should he exist, cares deeply about the human race.
c) even though he cares about the human race, he is at some point going to decide to wipe it out.
d) when the invisible man decides to wipe out the world he's going to give you enough notice to get your arse into your stupid fucking ark.
e) should you manage to reach the ark in time, that a hunk of metal and concrete will be enough to thwart the wrath of almighty god and all his minions anyway.