Who are you calling paranoid?

Terror suspect Jack Thomas has been banned from phoning Osama bin Laden under the control order he has been placed on by the Federal Government.

So half the world's intelligence agencies, spies, moles and satellites have spent five years trying to find the lanky bastard and failed miserably yet the Australian Government seems to think a dude from Melbourne might be capable of getting hold of him on his moby.

Fuckwits.

Shit Art.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have yet to show their baby daughter off in public, but eager fans were given an unusual preview today with what's claimed to be a bronze cast depicting her first solid stool.

The scatological sculpture is purportedly cast from 19-week-old Suri's first bowel movement and will be shown at the Capla Kesting gallery in Brooklyn, New York, before being auctioned off for charity.

The artist behind the work, Daniel Edwards, previously courted controversy with a life-size nude sculpture of pop star Britney Spears giving birth on a bearskin rug. That work was shown at the same gallery in April.

"A bronzed cast of baby's first poop can be a meaningful memento for the family," gallery director David Kesting said, adding that he hoped the work would attract bids of up to $39,352.

From News

A few questions need to be asked.

1. Who decides to make a bronze shit?
2. What kind of moron buys a bronze shit?
3. Who is the biggest fuckwit: Tom, Katie, the "artist" or the twat who buys this thing?

A World of Pure Imagination

John Mark Karr, the man who claimed to have killed child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsay reportedly wanted Johnny Depp to play him in a movie about the killing.

Karr has recently been revealed to be an attention seeking deviant who had nothing to do with Ramsay's murder.

As well as having the Depp earmarked for the lead role, Karr had gone to the effort of writing a screenplay about the murder and claimed that if it were made, the movie would make at least one billion dollars.

In an email to a University of Colorado professor Karr said his personality was similar to the Willy Wonka character portrayed by Depp in the recent movie of the same name, the only difference being that "Wonka didn't know how to treat children."

Sorry dude, the kiddie porn on your computer and your insistence that you were involved in a sexual relationship with an eight year old suggest you're a bit hazy on the correct way to treat children too.

A thought on the Queensland election

VS







Equals

VS

Hypocrite Warning!

Backstabbing Qld Liberal Party Leader Bruce Flegg has made much of his medical qualifications throughout the course of the current election campaign. All over town there are billboards bearing this clown's ugly mug and proclaiming that the Liberal Party has "Real Doctors, not Spin Doctors"

After spending the past two weeks flailing about like a drunken pelican and making a prize dick of himself in front of the TV cameras, Flegg has obviously decided the old rules no longer apply and enlisted the help of Federal Liberal Party spin doctor and human flak jacket Graeme Hallett.

Hallet is a long serving Canberra media advisor and spin doctor who currently works for Federal Roads Minister Jim Lloyd. He was recently implicated in a scandal surrounding improper use of federal funding.

Thanks for the outing yourself Bruce you pathetic hypocrite. You're just like all the rest. All your high ideals and morals go straight out the window as soon as it starts looking like you're going to get rolled.

Just shut up and drive

Taxi Drivers. The following is a list of truths you would do well to reflect upon.

1. Your job does involve interacting with people who have been drinking. Don't act surprised that you might be expected to come face to face with someone who is a little the worse for drink. Unless that person assaults you, pukes or takes a dump in the back of the cab, shut up and stop bitching.

2. It is up to you to know where you are going. Leaving the meter running while you pull over to look at the street directory is the same as a hooker charging you while she sits down with a copy of a sex education pamphlet. You're supposed to know this stuff already and if you don't, I certainly shouldn't be paying for the time it takes you to learn.

3. When someone tells you they live on a major inner city street, missing the turn and then accusing them of not giving you proper directions is about as plausible as our friend the hooker sucking on your kneecap and then accusing you of not telling her where your dick is.

4. You have no right to expect a tip. If, through some miracle, you have transported me from my place of origin to my intended destination via the shortest possible route then you have done nothing more than complete your duties competently and the already outrageous figure on the meter is more than adequate compensation.

5. I don't want to hear your opinions on football, politics, immigrants, single mothers, dole bludgers, drug addicts or the commercialisation of Christmas. Shut up and drive the car. This is particularly true if you are a grumpy cunt. I'm paying for a service here. The role of the service provider is to make sure the customer's experience is as pleasant as possible. It doesn't mean treating them like a captive audience for your own impotent bitching and moaning.

6. Why do all of you bastards listen to such shit music?

Some Like It Rough

Jessica Alba has had a tooth knocked out and another one chipped while filming a sex scene for an upcoming movie in which she co-stars with comedian Dane Cook.

Alba described the incident thusly:

"We were smashing our faces together and it just happened. It's not the slowest, most romantic of love scenes."

Exactly how hard were these people snogging? I'm not ashamed to admit I've seen some pretty dodgy porn in my time but never have I seen anyone take a mid-coitus smack to the face that would be hard enough to dislodge teeth.

I seem to recall that Jessica Alba was in the headlines a while back for having been pashed by a chimpanzee at some sort of MTV function. Take a look at her latest on screen sex partner and see if you can detect a pattern emerging.

I rest my case.

Great Glaven in a Glass!

Astronomers have voted to strip Pluto of its status as a planet.

The researchers decided that Pluto failed to dominate its orbit around the sun in the same way as other planets.

Iwan Williams from the International Astronomical Union said he was saddened by the decision.

"I have a slight tear in my eye today, yes; but at the end of the day we have to describe the Solar System as it really is, not as we would like it to be. "

Tear in your eye? Man up you little pussy! What fucking difference does it make if there are eight planets or nine? I'll give you the hot tip, most people care so little about astronomy when they think of Pluto, they think of an animated dog.

While we're on it, why does Goofy get to walk upright while Pluto scampers about on all fours? They're both dogs Walt you dickhead!

Under the man-dress, lurks a secret shame

Osama bin Laden had a raging boner for Whitney Houston according to a woman who claims to have been the al Qaeda leader's mistress in the 1990s.

Sudanese activist and writer Kola Boof made the claims in her autobiography "Diary of a Lost Girl."

In the book Boof alleges that bin Laden joked about killing Houston's husband Bobby Brown and inviting her to join his harem.

Apparently in between riding her like his favourite camel, the terrorist mastermind opened his heart to Ms Boof, telling her that Houston was "a beautiful woman with a nice smile who was truly Islamic but had been brainwashed by American culture and her husband."

I don't know about you but I struggle with the idea of Osama bin Laden barring up over a black pop star with a drug addiction and a penchant for the high life. Although I suppose stranger things have happened.

Old man, I salute you.

Let us take a moment to tip our hats to Emiliano Mercado del Toro.

On Monday del Toro celebrated his 115th birthday and is now recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the world's oldest living man.

Asked about his remarkable longevity, del Toro credited it to healthy eating and avoiding alcohol. He told guests at his 115th birthday party that he had "never damaged his body with liquor."

Family members also believe his decision to kick a 76 year habit and quit smoking at the age of 90 to be a contributing factor.

Healthy eating and avoiding alcohol? Oldmate smoked for 76 years!!!

115 years old. Pumped the darts for 76 years. Fit as a fucking fiddle. I had never even heard of this guy until yesterday but for some reason I feel incredibly proud of him. Go hard old man. Keep kicking.

Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children.

Smoking scenes in Tom and Jerry cartoons have been banned in Britain following a viewer's complaint to the government agency that polices the airwaves.

In one episode of the classic American cartoon series, Tom is seen smoking a roll-up cigarette in an attempt to impress a female cat. In another, Tom's opponent in a tennis match is seen smoking a large cigar.

Following an investigation prompted by the anonymous viewer's complaint, regulator Ofcom said today that children's TV channel Boomerang had agreed to edit out scenes deemed to glamorise or condone smoking.

Apparently Tom and Jerry's violent gags are still cool though. You can show a cat getting chopped in half. Just don't show him smoking a dart...

Drugs Are Bad m'kay?

Last week Mornings with Kerri-Anne featured a ten minute segment in which Kerri-Anne and a bunch of predictable drug "experts" banged on about the dangers associated with drug use and the destructive impact of drugs on individuals, families and society in general. Kerri-Anne then threw to the commercial break with an excerpt from........Riders on the Storm.

For. Fuck's. Sake.

"Drugs are bad m'kay. Now let's play out the segment with a bit of music from one of the heaviest doping bands in history."

Did they even realise? I would like to think it was just a case of some smart arse producer taking the piss but I've got a feeling it was more likely the work of some moron who didn't see the irony in what they were doing.

Anyway, this little episode got me thinking and I began to reflect on all the times I've heard conservative talkback radio hosts, and conservative people in general pour scorn and contempt on someone with a drug habit, yet claim to be a huge fan of a band or musician who took enough drugs to anaesthetise an entire herd of buffalo.

I will guarantee you that even the most hardcore anti-drug campaigner has at least one album in their collection made by people who were really, really high at the time. Even if it is Simon and Garfunkel.

In light of Channel Nine's little slipup I would like to nominate three Brisbane media personalities for the inaugural Kerri-Anne Kennerley Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Hypocrisy.

John Miller of 4BC: Hates drugs. Loves Led Zeppelin.

Peter Dick of 4BC: Hates drugs. Loves Fleetwood Mac.

Spencer Howson 612 ABC: Hates drugs. Loves The Beatles.

I'm not saying drugs are a source of enlightenment or pretending that they don't have incredibly destructive consequences. What I am doing is pointing out that drugs have, in their own way, fuelled and heightened the creativity of people who created a lot of the most enduring and enriching music of the last century. As a matter of fact you could probably take one of those cheesy lists of the "50 Greatest Albums of All Time" and feel fairly confident that a good proportion of those musicians were using plenty of "stimulants" when they created their most seminal works.

Just a thought.

Not in those shoes mate...

Nightclub bouncers, here are few things for you to consider.

1. The greasy looking product in your buzz cut and your pointy sideburns do not make you in any way qualified to comment on the fashion sense of others. Most of you look like a mashed up Freddo Frog in an ill fitting suit.
2. The fact you didn't get into the police force is nobody else's fault.
3. You check ID cards for a living. This humble occupation in no way justifies the outrageous egos many of you seem to carry. You're standing in the doorway of a dime a dozen club, not at the entrance to the Oval Office. How about losing the attitude?
4. We take it for granted that you're probably on the dim side, however if you can't tell the difference between a 30 year old woman and a 17 year old girl you're a fucking moron.
5. The perpetual scowl on your face doesn't make you look tough or cool. It makes you look like an angry monkey.

Why do we put up with these oversized, fashion nazi, meatheads? Why does anyone accept as normal the idea that their suitability to buy alcohol in a venue is somehow dependant on the type of fabric their shoes are made of? And can someone please explain to me what the fuck "it's not the kind of look we're going for tonight" means?

When the Revolution Comes...

Telstra CEO Sol Trujillo has been rewarded with an $8.7 million pay packet for a year in which he infuriated Canberra, wiped $16 billion off the value of the company and delivered the worst profit performance since the company was floated nine years ago.

Despite yesterday handing down a 26 per cent slump in full year net profit, Telstra said it's imported Chief Executive had hit enough performance targets to pocket a short term incentive bonus of $2.58 million.

From The Australian

Let's take a look at Mr Trujillo's recent employment history shall we?

- From 1995 to 2000 Solomon Trujillo was the President and Chairman of US West Communications. He resigned shortly before the company became the subject of a federal criminal probe for overstating nearly a billion dollars in profits. Upon his departure he was rewarded with a $95 million payout.

- After fleeing US West, Trujillo took over as the Chairman and CEO of a small company called Graviton. In this position he hired 40 employees in order to achieve a $750,000 bonus before laying them off again two months later. The company folded 12 months later.

- Following the demise of Graviton Trujillo served as the CEO of Orange SA. He held the position for less than a year and has remained tight lipped about his reasons for leaving.

It's worth pointing out that despite having a personal wealth most people could only dream of, the shifty eyed burrito is yet to purchase a single Telstra share. Jeez do you reckon he knows something we don't?

What kind of diseased society tolerates a situation where underperforming, machiavellian princes are placed in a position where their performance, regardless of its impact on the lives of thousands, is completely irrelevant because, fail or succeeed, they are going to be rewarded with obscene paychecks and unholy severance packages.

"Hey Sol, you fucked up badly mate. Here's a few million to tide you over while you look for another company to fuck up.

First against the wall Sol. When the revolution comes, you and your ilk will be first against the wall.

Oxygen Thief

A Perth court has been told a man who seriously injured a 14-month-old girl when he put her in a clothes dryer and turned it on was only trying to give her "a fun time".

21-year-old Samuel Marc Barnes Siddall today pleaded guilty in the Joondalup Magistrates Court to causing grievous bodily harm after he put his girlfriend's daughter, Mia Jade Jeffrey, in the dryer for about two minutes on May 25.

Mia's mother, Marnie Jowett, who had left the toddler in Siddall's care while she visited a gym, returned home to find the toddler shaking with pain from burns to her hands, feet and back, and bruises to her face and spine.

Siddall, who at the time of the incident was studying at university to become a teacher, had told Ms Jowett he had no idea how the girl was injured, before taking them both to hospital.

He subsequently admitted during a police interview that he had put the toddler in a dryer "just for fun," and said he thought she would enjoy it because she liked "being whizzed around"....

They say that the high school record required to study teaching at university is now so low that the teachers of tomorrow will be the people who barely scraped through high school themselves. If this fucking halfwit is indicative of the current crop, I'm inclined to believe it. This means the people teaching your kids may very well be the same fuckers who mooned you during your poetry recital.

Original story from The Australian

Questionable Parenting

Crocodile hunter, wildlife warrior and all round irritating fuckwit Steve Irwin has yet again proved his model father status by revealing that he allows his eight-year-old daughter to kick his two-year-old son.

Irwin has previously raised heart rates and more than a few eyebrows by hand feeding a crocodile with one hand while holding his new born son in the other.

Now Irwin has declared he allows his daughter Bindi to "belt'' her two-year-old brother Bob as long as she takes her shoes off first.

"When Bindi belts Bob I say, 'Bin, I realise you have to pick on your little brother, but take off your shoes before you kick him in the head','' he said."That way, she gets to whack him and he doesn't get hurt."That's a compromise. Everybody's happy,'' he said.

What kind of fucking nonsense is this? Don't bother teaching her that physical violence is not the right way to deal with anger or frustration. Just let the little bitch put the boot in. Bravo you silly cunt. Bravo.

Nobody Smokes Here Anymore

A recent article in the Courier Mail highlighted yet another absurd and Monty Pythonesque situation which has come about as a result of the Queensland Government's new anti-smoking laws. It seems that Queensland golf clubs are being forced to designate smoking and non smoking holes on the course. Even more absurd, it seems smokers will be allowed to smoke on certain parts of a given hole, but not on others. For example: on certain holes at Wynnum Golf Course, smoking will be banned from the tee area to the watercourse, but allowed from the water to the green.

To use an analogy of which I am particularly fond, this seems to make about as much sense as having a separate part of the ocean for pissing. I've had enough of these uppity fuckers from the Cancer Council et al. Let's get one thing straight. Anti-smokers are a bunch of obnoxious, self righteous zealots whose primary desire is to impose their will on every member of society. Don't fool yourself, they don't give a flying fuck if you die from cancer or develop emphysema. All those horrendous pictures on cigarette packs are not there because non smokers want to help you. They are there because non smokers figure if they can scare a few people out of smoking, the world will be more to their liking.

We have millions of motor vehicles choking our streets and spewing toxic chemicals into the air, jet aircraft taking off every couple of minutes, industries sending mushroom clouds of lung destroying gunk billowing into the sky, and yet we are being comprehensively shafted by a self righteous bunch of skittish fanatics who have the gall to insist that cigarette smoking be banned in large, open, outdoor areas where people gather for recreational purposes.

It was bad enough when they banned it in pubs. Remember those ads with the bar staff saying they shouldn't have to go home with a sore throat and sore eyes from working in a smoky pub? Look sweetheart if you don't like cigarettes don't work in a fucking pub! You don't become a coal miner if you're scared of the dark do you?

Do us all a favour. Next time you're about to saddle up your high horse, think about how many cigarettes worth of chemicals come out of your exhaust pipe every week. Then shut the fuck up.

I'm gonna start a religion.

For 30 years many residents of the US town of Frostburg have been bemused and annoyed at the three storey high, and 400 foot long metal and concrete frame that Pastor Richard Greene calls his "modern Noah's Ark." Greene has been working on the ark on and off for 30 years as he awaits Judgement Day. He claims the ark came to him in visions during disturbing dreams in 1976. While some neighbours are tolerant, others claim the structure decreases property values and wastes religious charity. Contributions from the faithful towards the building project have totalled over $1,000,000 US.

Somebody needs to explain to me, the rank stupidity, superstitious ignorance and staggering leaps of logic required to believe:

a) There is an invisible man somewhere in the ether who created the universe.
b) said invisble man, should he exist, cares deeply about the human race.
c) even though he cares about the human race, he is at some point going to decide to wipe it out.
d) when the invisible man decides to wipe out the world he's going to give you enough notice to get your arse into your stupid fucking ark.
e) should you manage to reach the ark in time, that a hunk of metal and concrete will be enough to thwart the wrath of almighty god and all his minions anyway.